Somebody I Used to Know
by driggs
Summary: "You can get addicted to a certain kind of sadness." Snape finds his peace, though it's not what he expected he deserved. AU: Snape/Lily.
1. Chapter 1

**a/n:** This story was inspired by the absolutely lovely, heartbreakingly gorgeous In Another Life: Wake Up by lily-fox on deviantart. I was inspired to write and since we all would like a happy ending for our tragic Potions Master, I had to give him even a bit of happiness.

I own less than nothing. JK Rowling is the mastermind behind everything here.

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><p>Those eyes. As he slowly drifted, as the darkness began to embrace him and flatten his awareness down to two fine points, those green eyes were what he held on to. He had expected death to be cold, but he felt himself rather warm. Numb. His final sleep, the bliss of non-existence.<p>

Warmth.

Humming, somewhere close by. A child.

Brightness.

The surface he lay on shifted slightly with weight.

He opened his eyes, shocked by the brightness. This was different than he'd expected. It took a few moments for his eyes to focus as he looked over towards the humming.

"Are you awake?" came the small voice. A young girl, staring at him intently. The streaks of sunlight settling on her auburn hair, making it glow. She stared back at him with familiar eyes.

His eyes.

He reached out a hand to touch her hair, feeling the smoothness of it on his fingers. She didn't recoil, she merely smiled at him. "Yes," he answered, his voice sounding far away from him.

"Mummy says pancakes are ready," she said, taking his outstretched hand in her own.

He couldn't stop looking at her, the freckles that adorned her face, the rosy pinkness of her skin, the beautiful familiar auburn of her hair and the unmistakable dark brown of her irises. He breathed in sharply, then rolled over to scoop her up without warning, upsetting the cat he hadn't seen that had been sleeping on the duvet.

She giggled, like the warbling of a songbird. She hugged him tightly across the neck as he placed a soft kiss on her forehead.

"What kind of pancakes did mummy make?" he asked, still running his hands through her hair as he left the bedroom he was in towards the smell of breakfast awaiting them in the kitchen.

"Chocolate chip," she whispered in his ear, as if the simple ingredient had been a secret no one else was allowed to know.

He smiled. He hadn't truly smiled in so many years. Once, foolishly, he considered that he might have forgotten how to. But the muscle memory was still there. He hadn't forgotten how to be happy, he just hadn't been allowed the privilege in so long.

He walked down the stairs of the flat, though he didn't really know where he was going. He heard singing in the kitchen and his heart nearly stopped as he turned the corner. Dressed in a long t-shirt and flannel pyjama trousers, her auburn hair done up in a messy bun, was Lily.

She turned and looked at him, spatula in one hand, and smiled. "Rosie, what'd I tell you about waking up daddy?"

The girl, Rosie, looked up at him and grinned deviously. He smirked and kissed her on the top of her head before setting her down. He stepped towards Lily as if the ground may swallow him up at any point, carefully, the longest five feet of his life. He latched onto her in a tight embrace, his hands caressing her face gently as he finally kissed her the way he'd wanted to for so many long, lonely years.

"Someone's feeling amorous this morning," she said, smiling as she looked up at him. Those eyes, how easily it had been to die with those eyes as his final comfort.

"I love you," he said softly, his voice nearly cracking.

She stood on her tiptoes to kiss him again on the lips. As she pulled away, she cocked her head to the side, something troubling her. "What's wrong, Sev?"

He looked at her, at this scene before him. The smell of pancakes, the soft glow of morning sun, the young girl who was clearly their daughter at the table, doodling something with crayons. This was not his life, this was not the years of abuse, followed by torment, followed by broken hearts, shattered dreams, fear, and finally death. There was no way any of this was real.

But it was a gift.

"I'm just…out of sorts this morning," he answered, smiling slightly in an effort to calm her. He had no idea what sort of man he was supposed to be here, what sort of temperament she was used to. All he wanted to do was hold her, to feel her against him. But was this man the sort of man who was prone to such displays?

He figured, if any man had been lucky enough to be with this woman, he would be insane not to appreciate her every moment of every day.

"Well, you may be out of sorts, but I hope you're at least hungry," she said, turning away from him and back towards the skillet. She flipped a pancake, then looked back at him. "Everything settled with your lesson plan? You were up late last night."

Of course. Who was he? He hadn't seen anything imbued with magic since waking. In this life, who was he? A Potions Master? Something told him no. Something about the flat, about their daughter, hell even about the chocolate chip pancakes, told him that this world was not the same one he'd parted.

"I'm…I'm not sure," he replied, looking at her earnestly, soaking in the details and allowing himself this immense pleasure of company. It had been too long. He'd fought too hard with no promise of reward. He would allow himself this, even if it was just fleeting. The last pulses of a dying brain.

She looked at him again, smiling, then rubbed his shoulder. "I know you're nervous. But you'll be brilliant, Sev. I know it."

More questions. What was he supposed to be working towards? What was he nervous about? He hadn't been nervous about anything in years. Frightened, of course. Terrified. Saddened. No, not saddened. That wasn't a strong enough word. Heart ripped out? Was there a word in the English language to convey that feeling?

She obviously sensed there was more beneath the surface than just nervousness. Those green eyes, staring so intently, burrowing so quickly into him. "Are you all right?" she asked, concern leaking into her voice.

How could he answer her? The life he'd awoken to was not the one he'd been trapped in, and while he was cherishing every second of this, he feared it would be ripped from him at any moment. He wasn't all right and he hadn't been for years and now all he had was this. This morning, more than he'd ever hoped for with Lily, but different. They were clearly muggles and the things in their house, the things that surrounded them, were clearly from a later period in time than they had come from, even if they had been muggles all along. Not only did he not truly know where he was, he didn't know when he was.

He realised he hadn't answered her, and her concern was growing. "I don't feel particularly well," he replied, looking back at the girl. Lily pressed the back of her palm on his forehead and he leaned into the touch.

"You don't seem to be running a fever. What's wrong?" Her brow was furrowed. She had always been rather adept at reading his moods as children, but he no longer knew their history.

"James Potter," he blurted out suddenly.

She raised an eyebrow questioningly, but shook her head and laughed. "Sev, honestly. James Potter? You do realise that I married you, right?"

He shook his head, breathing in deeply. It was no good to be granted this gift of a new life if he was just going to go mad now. "I might have a lie down after breakfast," he said, trying hard to give her a reassuring smile.

She smiled back at him, though it didn't reach her eyes. There was still immense concern there and her hand moved to his face. He covered it with his own, then brought it to his lips to kiss. What sort of man did he need to be to keep what he had in this moment?

He would be whatever it took, no questions asked.

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><p><em><em>

_Is this something I should continue or are we good here? _


	2. Chapter 2

**a/n**: So, I've decided to continue. I kind of can't stop because I'm really in love with this idea. Right now I think I might do a collection of snippets until I can really formulate a good arc (I've got one brewing, but I don't want to start anything I can't finish). As always, comments are greatly appreciated. And I own nothing.

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><p>Lily opened the door to their bedroom, having just put Rosie to bed for the night. "Your daughter," she said accusingly, pulling up the covers to join him in bed, "is becoming quite adept at trying to talk her way out of things. She may just grow up to be a barrister."<p>

"Pity the thought," Severus replied, putting the book he'd been reading down and rolling over to pull her into his arms.

"You've been rather affectionate today, love," Lily said, looking up at him and smiling. "You will tell me if something is the matter?"

"I'll tell you everything," he said, softly. "I'm just…"

"Out of sorts," she completed for him, sighing. "All right. Why did you bring up James Potter earlier?"

He swallowed and opened his mouth to speak. "Because," he began, tentatively, "you chose me over him…and some people would find it an odd decision."

"Sev, you have and always will be the love of my life. I was just too young and daft to realise the mistake I made at the time," she sighed, cupping his face in her palm. "If you'd prefer Lily and Harry to not have playdates together anymore, I'm sure Helena will understand."

He nearly choked out the laugh. "Harry Potter?"

"For as much as you apparently still dislike his father, Harry's a very sweet boy. Rosie rather fancies him, I reckon."

Granted, he'd only been a father for less than a day, but the thought of that sweet young girl being sullied by a Potter, no matter how young and innocent, made him recoil. "No daughter of mine-"

"Sev, calm down," Lily said, laughing. She kissed him quickly on the lips and ran a hand through his hair. "They're six years old. Six year olds that fancy each other share toys. They're not going to go off and elope."

He breathed in, pulling Lily closer. Desperately he wanted this to last, but if it didn't, he would hold her against him for as long as he could.

"Tell me about how we got together," he whispered, stroking her hair and closing his eyes.

"For being so cynical, you are quite the romantic, my love," she replied.

"Please," he begged. He opened his eyes and was saddened by the odd look she gave him once more. She didn't know that this life didn't belong to him, that this man was not the man she loved. In the world he'd left, there were no warm embraces and there was no returned affection.

"Well. Somehow we'd drifted apart during Uni. Possibly due to the fact that you'd chosen Cambridge and I'd gone to the better school, Oxford," she jabbed him in the chest playfully and he realised this was a joking source of contention for them. "We hadn't even really seen each other since the start of summer holiday the year before, but you'd started to send me letters at the beginning of Michealmas Term and continued to do so throughout the year even though you could've just emailed me. But you wanted me to visit you during Christmas holiday."

He wasn't sure what she meant by 'email,' but catalogued the word to figure out its meaning later. "So holiday?"

"Yes, holiday. My parents had moved to Swindon the year before and you were staying in Cambridge instead of going home. So I had to take two buses to see you, nearly 5 hours of travel. But you claimed it was important."

"Do you still have the letters?" he asked. He figured if they were still around he could find them and understand more about who he was supposed to be.

"I think so. Probably in a box in the attic. I can't imagine I would've thrown them out," she said, smiling.

Good, he would have to do some digging then. Not a bad idea to poke around in the attic regardless, really. "So you've come to Cambridge?"

"And you weren't there to great me," she said, mustering an annoyed look, though her smile stopped it from being genuine.

"What a git I am."

She poked him in the side. "Exactly my thoughts. 'Why did I come all this sodding way when Sev isn't even here to great me properly?' I asked myself. I was absolutely livid."

"If I didn't know how this story turned out, I'd fear how this played its course," Severus said, considering. Clearly the man he was in this reality wasn't too far off from him. Still a git, no matter where or when.

"And the absolute icing on the cake was the fact that it was pouring down rain," Lily countered, accusingly.

He groaned and turned over from her, a rueful laugh escaping his lips. "I'm quite the villain of the piece, it seems."

She rubbed his back and shoulders, clearly not as upset by this story as he was. Ever since that one word had left his lips at Hogwarts all those years ago, he couldn't bear the thought of ever causing her any sort of pain. To hear this story now, no matter its happy ending, was grating.

"Not a villain at all. I stood there for fifteen minutes, fuming and soaked and you came running up, also completely soaked. And I was about to yell at you, or punch you, I'm not even sure which, but you grabbed me and kissed me so hard I thought we'd both die of oxygen deprivation."

He turned back towards her and saw her smiling, the overwhelming love in those green eyes. What had he done to deserve this?

"I kissed you?"

"You kissed me," she said, nodding. "I'd always known you were my best friend, but until that moment, I didn't truly realise that I loved you."

Kissing Lily so boldly was very much unlike him. Though Dumbledore had argued with him that, on the rarest occasions, a Gryffindor streak did run through him. Maybe this wasn't entirely unlike him.

"And I'd always loved you…" Severus replied, pulling her close once more.

"So I told my parents that I'd be staying in Cambridge for the duration of the holiday-"

"Which I'm sure they loved," he said, thinking of how her family had never been overly fond of him and figured that carried over into this reality as well. He could only imagine what her sister must have thought of the whole thing.

"I very rudely told them to bugger off and leave me alone for a few weeks, which in retrospect was rather silly, but I don't regret it," she answered, inhaling deeply. "Because we spent three very wonderful, lovely and more than occasionally naughty weeks together and I knew then that I couldn't bear the thought of you not being in my life."

"For which I'm glad…because life without you is the essence of agony," he said softly, looking directly into her eyes so she knew absolutely how deeply he meant it.

She leaned forward to kiss him and he breathed in deeply, feeling her warmth spread through him. "I love you," she whispered, her lips brushing against his with every word.

"I love you," he replied. "Always."


	3. Chapter 3

When he awoke the next morning (and he did, in fact, wake up), Severus found himself alone in bed. He reached over towards where Lily had slept, his hand grasping towards nothing. He looked at the bare skin of his arm and realised there was now a long scar where the Dark Mark had once been.

Stretching, he rolled over to the edge of the bed and sat up, looking around at the bedroom. There were a few framed pictures on the dresser and decorative paintings and photographs along the walls. Clearly this had been Lily's doing, this decorating, because he knew from his formerly drab living quarters that he wouldn't have cared to hang anything at all.

He rummaged through some drawers, taking note of the papers in the nightstand beside his side of the bed (along with the stack of books, all science related as opposed to the one book on Lily's side that didn't appear to be academic in nature). Figuring he ought to change into actual clothes, he decided to see what the wardrobe held and hoped this man didn't for some reason fancy the garish. As luck would have it, his shirts and trousers were all muted and relatively dark. He pulled a pair of grey jeans from a drawer, then found a black button-up shirt in the closet.

He hadn't heard sounds from either Lily or Rosie, so he went to see if they were in another area of the flat. He stopped first by his daughter's room, taking notice of the doe-theme that had been set up. She had several stuffed deers, and a number of illustrations framed on her walls (which he was glad were painted a light green instead of some terrible bright pink or other such distasteful 'girlish' color).

She had a few framed pictures on her wall as well, pictures of the three of them, every single one full of smiles. It was odd to see such happy images of himself, it seemed so foreign. There were more photos of him and Rosie, and it looked as though she showed a bit of a preference. Another odd thought-that a child not only loved him, but loved him so dearly.

The flat was still silent, so he went downstairs. In the kitchen, on the far wall near their small kitchen table that had been painted black, was a note in chalk that read:

_Sev,_

_Stepped out to run a few errands with Rosie, back by lunch. Be hungry._

_xo Lily_

It was a rather interesting concept, having a wall to write on (and as he further examined it, he saw what were more than likely Rosie's doodles lower to the floor) and he wondered if it was something he had fought with his wife and daughter on or if he'd encouraged the idea.

He had to find out what sort of man this Severus was. And he was sure that the only way to do this was to rummage through their stored memories.

His first stop was the attic. He needed to find those old letters he'd written to Lily. There was very likely more hidden away up there, old trinkets from her past more likely. Severus got the sense that, while this version of him was a happy, loving person and likely a good father, his personality wasn't that far off from how he actually was. Lily had already deemed him cynical and Rosie wasn't as disrespectful towards him as many children tended to be towards their parents.

He stopped off in the study before heading back upstairs. There were two desks with two screens atop them (he'd need to figure out the muggle word for these objects because if there were two of them, it was likely they were used often). One desk had few papers, all neatly organised, with a small framed picture of the three of them.

The other desk was also relatively organised, but there were large stacks of papers, several thick books, and two plastic containers with glowing blue strips down the front. Investigating these two strange objects, he saw they were plugged into a strip beneath the desk as well as to the screen atop the desk. They were slightly warm and gave a faint whirring sound. He'd have to figure out what these were called as well. He noted that there was nothing personal on this desk, which again seemed in line with how he'd keep a work space.

Judging by the many books on the shelves in the study, both he and Lily were in the sciences. Or at least very interested in them. Considering there had been a rather weighty Physics book on his bedside table (which he had begun to read the night before, taking a glance at the finely scrawled notes in the margins), he figured himself to still be some sort of professor. There was a lesson plan he had yet to discover somewhere in the flat, likely here in the study, but he could find that without questioning by Lily later.

No, it was the attic that deserved his attention right now. He left the study and climbed back up the stairs, looking up at the ceiling of the hallway and finding the string to pull down the attic door. The cat that had been asleep in their bedroom wandered out, looking at him curiously and mewing. He paid her no mind and pulled, steps falling down so he could climb up.

The attic was small and cramped, with many boxes, though very orderly stored away. Each box had some sort of label on it, mostly handwritten. He would recognise Lily's writing anywhere though, and found that most of these boxes were hers.

He wasn't entirely sure where to start. It was unlikely that she had some box labeled "Guide for Mysterious New Severus" somewhere. No, most of the boxes had labels like "Photographs" or "Old Flat" with the occasional "Misc." very unhelpfully sprinkled about. He found a few boxes with his tight, neat lettering labeled "Research" or "Thesis" but didn't see anything incredibly personal. He didn't figure this Severus had been gifted with an easy childhood either and from the revelation that he'd decided to stay at Cambridge during holidays, he figured there wasn't much he would have wanted to save from the years prior to living with Lily.

Who were his parents in this world? Surely nothing much was different about his father, but what of his mother? There was no wizarding family to claim lineage to, he was nearly certain of it. Were they still alive? He hoped, at the very least, that his father wasn't. But something akin to longing wished that his mother was.

He decided to open up the box labeled as containing photographs, pulling several dusty albums out. The first he opened had pictures of a young girl with auburn hair-Lily as she looked just a few years from how he first remembered meeting her. Petunia was there as well, looking sour even though she was smiling in nearly every photo. Petunia had to have grown into the same sort of woman, but perhaps she was slightly less harsh since magic was out of the equation. But he figured, if your innate personality is to begrudge someone else for something, she likely found something else to be jealous of her sister for.

There were more pictures of the Evans family, either of Lily or Petunia or the lot of them on holiday somewhere. He rummaged through the other albums and found more of the same. Any more recent albums were likely in a more accessible location, and he made a mental note to see if he could find them somewhere else.

He put the albums back in the box and closed it. He pulled several more boxes away until he found a sun-bleached box labeled "Oxford" in the back. Pulling this box out, he opened it and found a bunch of loose papers and small trinkets. He knew he'd found the box of her university memories and he hoped that he was among them somewhere.

Laying at the top was a dried flower, a lily. It was old and fragile, and he was loathe to move it for fear that it would crumble to dust in his hands. He gently pulled the paper from beneath it to cradle it, and set it on a nearby box. Inside were mostly old essays, but there were a few photos scattered about. Her with a few female friends, the same young women showing up beside her in most of them. There were names written on the back, Mary, Helena, Alice and Sofia all making appearances in some combination.

At the bottom of the box, Severus found a stack of letters tied together with twine. There was a photo on top, which he pulled out to inspect closely. It was of him and Lily, both of them younger, his arm around her shoulder, standing at the precipice of a hill looking out over a lush green valley below. He looked at this younger version of himself, the long black hair not so greasy, his skin with a warm tinge to it instead of being sallow, and a surprisingly unshaven face. Lily was looking at the camera, smiling a giant white beautiful smile, but this Severus was only looking at her, his eyes half open, the smile of a man intoxicated by love.

He flipped the photo over, and in her handwriting, faded, was written "Scotland, 2004." with a small heart drawn beside it.

He pulled out the papers that had been bundled together and undid the twine securing them. He knew these were the letters she had spoken of. He wondered if she ever wrote him back or if he merely had sent letters out into a void, not expecting a response, but hoping for one.

Severus pulled the first letter from the pile, wondering if they were chronological. This one was relatively short.

_I'm sorry, Lily. I'm so, so sorry for what I said. And I don't deserve your forgiveness, but I endeavor to perhaps one day earn it._

_ -S_

In this world, he'd also said something terribly hurtful to her. He wondered if the circumstances were the same, if James Potter had been involved. He knew there was some sort of history between the three of them here as well, there absolutely had to be. What had this James Potter done to lose her, though? And what had this Severus really done to win her?

He picked up another letter. This one a little longer.

_Father died several weeks ago. I was hoping to feel some sort of relief, but it never came. I didn't go to the funeral. Mum isn't answering her phone when I call either. It's odd how, though they were nearing finalising the divorce, he still had a hold over her. I hope you'll consider visiting me in Cambridge over the holiday. I miss you._

_ -S_

His father was dead. That was at the very least a relief. This Tobias Snape didn't seem to be a better father than the one he'd grown up with, though his mother seemed to be slightly braver if a divorce was in the works prior to his passing.

He looked through several more letters, all of them being relatively brief, but some sort of apology or statement of desire to continue their friendship appeared in each one. Not obsessive or desperate, he didn't think. But they were adamant.

Severus looked at the last letter, but as he picked it up, he felt an odd sensation of rushing wind against him. If he had to liken it to something, he would have compared it to a portkey. Perhaps this world wasn't entirely devoid of magic after all?

The wind softened and he opened his eyes. He was holding a piece of paper and he was soaking wet. He looked down at the paper in his hand and all it had written was "Lily, 15:45." A car horn shrieked at him and he barely jumped onto the sidewalk to avoid being run down. He could hardly see, the torrents of rain coming down hard. He looked up the hill and saw a lone figure, trying unsuccessfully to stay dry under an awning. That hair. It was the only bright thing amongst the blues and grays of that stormy day.

Severus ran towards her as fast as his feet would carry him. His feet sunk into puddles and the rain plastered his black hair against his face. But he kept running until he was finally there, looking into those green eyes. She was beyond mad, fury igniting her face as she opened her mouth to yell at him.

He pulled her to him, swallowing her rage with the most desperate kiss he'd ever given, his hands cradling her head. Slowly she began to respond, her body had been rigid with shock, but now her hands moved to his waist, pulling him closer. The rain continued to pour down on them, but he ignored the wetness and the cold. All that mattered was the warmth of the woman before him and he pulled her closer into a strong embrace. She stood against him, trembling with either cold or the last vestiges of anger, then pulled back.

"Sev," she said, looking at him and shaking her head, her mouth agape.

"I love you, Lily. I always have and I always will," the words spilled from his mouth before he could even think about what he was saying. "I just…needed you to know."

And suddenly the wind picked up again, his eyes closed, and he found he was slightly damp but warm, laying down, Lily pressed against his side. They were both naked under the thin, ragged covers and his heart was beating fast.

"Christ," she said softly, turning into him and wrapping an arm across his chest. "It seems silly now that we waited so long to get here."

He pulled her closer, kissing the top of her head as his fingers traced lazy circles on her back. "What does this mean for us now?"

He noted the heavy rain against the window and how only a single desk lamp illuminated the room. It was devoid of personal effects, but full of books and papers and a much bulkier, less sleek screen atop the small desk than had been in the study of their flat. There was a white board with numbers and equations hanging above the desk, some of his tightly controlled handwriting spiralling wildly into chaos.

"I want to stay with you for the holiday, if that's all right?" she asked, as if there was anything in the world that would make him deny her the request.

"Of course it's all right," Severus replied, smiling.

"I don't think I've ever seen you smile so much, Sev," she replied.

"For you to stay with me, I think my face may be permanently affixed with a smile for the rest of my life."

She smiled. "It's good to see you happy."

"This is all I've ever wanted, Lily," he whispered. Then he quickly amended his words: "This is all I've ever needed."

And with that admission, he was pulled back to the attic, the letters still in his hands. He inhaled sharply, looking around to make sure everything was as it should be. This wasn't magic he was familiar with, nothing he'd ever experienced could allow someone to become part of scenes from the past like that. It was almost as if the memories from this man's life were slowly starting to trickle in.

He would welcome them. He wished they would take over his own memories, that the dichotomy fused and he fully became the man in this world. It wasn't without heartache, but having lived the alternative, he knew just how precious this was.

Wrapping the twine around the letters carefully, he placed the stack back in the box. He looked at the photo once more, hoping this memory would come back to him at some point. He'd spent many years avoiding being photographed or looking in mirrors, but the look on his face was one of such pure affection that he hoped he always looked like this to Lily.

Severus put the boxes away and went back down into the main flat, closing the attic door. There were more memories laying around this flat, all he had to do was find them. 

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><p><em>So we've got some things happening now, don't we? Maybe there's more magic in this world than Severus was giving it credit for? Or maybe something entirely different is going on.<em>


	4. Chapter 4

**a/n:** Thank you all for such lovely reviews! You've helped me knock out this next chapter, so keep them coming! I apologise for the confusion with the question of whether this world is magical or not, but I assure you that it's deliberate and it's a question that's going to continue throughout the course of the story (which now actually has a plot). So keep reading!

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><p>As he came down the stairs, Severus heard the click of the lock on the front door. The door swung open and Lily walked in, arms full of bags, with Rosie in tow happily chatting to her.<p>

"Can I help?" he immediately asked.

"I'm all right, but Rosie wants to play a game if you're not terribly busy?" Lily responded, walking towards the kitchen.

He followed the two of them in, then looked down at his daughter. "What sort of game?"

"Apples to Apples!" she shouted, not even taking a moment to think about it.

"Rosie, you need more than two people to play that game," Lily replied, putting away the groceries she'd purchased.

"What about...Wii?" she looked up at Severus hopefully, smiling broadly.

He was, of course, completely lost. He had no idea what any of these things were or even what the rules were. Figuring Rosie would explain anything they were about to play, he shrugged his shoulders. "All right?"

She ran over to him and hugged his side, clearly ecstatic about his agreement.

Lily turned and looked at him, raising an eyebrow. "Really?"

Apparently whatever he had just agreed to was something their Severus didn't enjoy. He of course had absolutely no idea what it was, but hopefully it wasn't unnecessarily irritating. He shrugged again. "It'll keep her occupied?"

Lily smiled and shook her head. "Don't complain to me when she beats you," she said accusingly.

Rosie had already run off, likely to get whatever it was that they were going to play.

"Are you still up for company tonight, Sev?" Lily asked, turning back to putting things away.

"Who are we entertaining?"

"Of course you've just conveniently forgotten," she replied, a heavy intonation of sarcasm in her voice. "Helena and James, Remy and Dora?"

He managed to stifle a groan at the mention of James Potter. Perhaps it was the cruelest of ironies that in this world he was friends with the man that had caused him nothing but misery for so much of his life in the other. He supposed he'd have to deal with this, however. There was no need to alarm Lily any further with the newfound peculiarities of the husband that she didn't actually know.

"I think it's absurd that you still grumble about James Potter after all these years," she admonished, though there was a hint of levity to her words. "At the very least, do it for Rosie, who won't be bothering you to play video games if Harry is over."

"Fine," he said simply.

"Don't pout," Lily replied, walking over to him and kissing him on the cheek. "You can save that for when Rosie beats you in Mario Kart." She bit her tongue and put on a devilish grin, turning away from him to pull out several pots and pans.

"Dad!" yelled Rosie from another room.

"Go on, get the agony over with," Lily said, brandishing a wooden spoon at him.

He wasn't entirely sure which room Rosie was in, but luckily whatever she was playing with was loud enough to lead him there. He found her in the den and there was a larger screen on the wall, _a television_ he recalled suddenly, with bright animation playing.

"What are we playing?" he asked, taking the small device she handed him.

"Mario Kart. I'm Princess Peach!" she exclaimed, looking over at him.

He sat down on the couch, looking at the television and holding the object she'd handed him. She remained standing, waving the device and pressing the buttons on it.

"Pick, dad!" she said in a surprisingly exasperated voice, turning to give him a reproachful glare. He was surprised to get such a look from such a tiny person. Add in that she had his eyes and it was an entirely surreal experience.

He looked down at the thing in his hand, then back up at her. "I've forgotten how to use this, can you show me?"

She sighed, then guided his hand with her own. "You wave it around and pick your guy," she said, pointing at the animated characters on the screen. A small hand moved around on the screen along with her movements.

"Like a wand?" he asked aloud, though mostly to himself.

"Yeah," she agreed, smiling. Then she waved her own around and made exploding sounds. "Magic!"

He smiled, but it pained him to think that, if this world was truly without magic, she'd never get to experience its power or its beauty. It was a shame that this Lily and Severus didn't have a magical child who would have her own wand, a real wand at that, be sorted into a house at Hogwarts, or experience any of that wonder. He supposed that was why these children had games like this, but they were a poor replacement.

"Dad, pick," she whined, looking at him again.

"This one," he said, pointing the electric wand (or whatever it was actually called) at the screen. She took her hand in his and pressed his finger down on a button, making the thing vibrate and emit a clanking sound. He'd chosen an overlarge lizard. He figured it apt.

She giggled. "Why do you always pick Bowser?"

Well, at least he got one thing right, he supposed. "Why do you always choose..." he tried to recall the name of her character, "the princess?"

"_Because_ she's a princess," Rosie answered, as if it were the most obvious thing in the world.

"You are, you know. A princess," Severus replied. Rosie looked at him doubtfully. He smiled, impressed by how discerning she was at such a young age. How fitting that his daughter would be such a little cynic.

"But you're not a king," she said, trying to find the logical flaw in his statement.

"But it's true. Well...partially true. I'm half Prince. So I suppose that would make you a quarter princess," he considered, then pulled her up onto the couch to sit beside him.

"Let's play," she said, clicking several buttons and pressing his fingers on his own electronic wand when the screen demanded something of him.

The animation began and the screen split into two portions, the princess and the lizard sitting on cars surrounded by other strange characters. Lights flashed as music played and suddenly all of the characters drove off. Rosie was rocking her wand back and forth, standing up on the couch.

The lizard wasn't going anywhere.

"Dad you're not even going!" she said, looking at his screen.

"I...don't know how," he admitted, looking down at the device in his hand.

She sighed again, pressed a button and the action on the screen paused. "Lemme show you," she said, taking the wand from his hand and pointing to the buttons. "You press this one to go and wave it around to turn."

She handed it back to him again and looked at him questioningly, as if she were saying 'this is so easy, you berk.'

"All right, I think I've got it," he replied, hoping to satisfy her.

When the game resumed, he found that he did understand what he had to do now, though it appeared as though the lizard was hopelessly behind the rest. Rosie on the other hand was fighting for first place, going back and forth with an ape and a mustachioed man in red. He understood why an adult would find this wearisome, the constant drone of the cars on the screen was rather annoying and if you weren't incredibly skilled at the game (which he certainly wasn't) it could be rather dull.

Rosie finished the race in second place, very upset that she'd lost out to the ape. "Let's play something else," she declared, pressing a button on a different device that turned off the television.

He rolled up his sleeves and handed her the wand to put away. "What do you want to play?"

"I dunno, you pick," she said, crawling onto his lap and playing with his hands, clapping them against her own.

"You're the one who wants to play the game, it should be your decision," he countered, watching her as she happily intertwined her fingers with his own. She noticed the scar on his arm and ran a finger along it.

Somewhere in the back of his mind was a pain, like a siren in the middle of the night. Far away, but drawing closer.

"Daddy, what's this?" she asked, tilting her head backwards to look up at him.

"It was..." he began, but gasped, the pain coming in stronger now. He closed his eyes and there was a flash of red. He opened his eyes and looked down at Rosie, feeling himself being pulled away. "A mistake."

His eyes shut again and he opened them with a start. He felt cold, but a sheen of sweat covered his face. Everything was blurred, with a ragged and faded edge to it. There was a warm stickiness on his arm and he looked down. The flash of red. His breath caught in his chest and he struggled for air, clawing at a smooth surface. He was sitting on something cool and hard, his head against a wall.

This was a memory, like the others from earlier in the attic where he'd been with Lily during University. This was different, though. It was raw, nothing but pure emotion and feeling. He grasped for anything he could reach, finally catching on something to pull himself up. His legs were weak and he fell to his knees, dull pain in his kneecaps as he fell back to the floor. Trying again, he managed to pull himself up, becoming aware that he was in a lavatory, holding onto a sink.

It took the last remaining bit of his strength, but he managed to look up. In front of him was a mirror, where a much younger man looked back at him. The thin, pale face stared back at him. All he saw was grief in that reflection. His eyes closed again as he sunk to the floor, the silence of the lavatory crushing him. He felt arms grabbing him, but he feared it was too late.

Far away there was a muffled sound. Somewhere near the shore. Was he in the ocean? No, it just felt like waves were crashing into him.

"Dad!" the voice cut through, pulling him back. He opened his eyes and looked at the girl on his lap, who looked terrified. "Dad are you ok?"

He inhaled deeply, trying to make sense of the memory he'd just experienced. This Severus had tried to kill himself as a young man. Whose arms had pulled him? Had he imagined that last part? What did it mean that the scar was where his Dark Mark had once been? How old had he been?

"I'm sorry daddy. I didn't mean to make you sad," Rosie said in a small voice, still distressed.

He ran his hand comfortingly through her hair and pulled her closer into a tight hug. "I'm all right, I'm sorry," he apologised. "You did nothing wrong, my love."

They both looked up as they heard Lily's footsteps nearing the den. She appeared in the doorway with a smile on her face, but stopped when she saw Severus and Rosie.

"Everything all right?" she asked, concerned.

"She beat me, severely," he replied, hoping his poor joke could cover up the fact that he'd just traumatised the poor child.

Lily didn't look to believe that it was that simple, but when she smiled once again he figured that she was saving her real questioning for later. "I made curry, if you two are done playing video games."

Rosie jumped off his lap and ran towards the kitchen, apparently quite excited by the announcement. Lily remained in the doorway, watching him get up intently.

"Sev?" she asked.

He figured he might as well tell her, as he didn't seem to have the sort of relationship with her where he would withhold much. "Rosie asked about my scar," he replied, looking at her earnestly. "It...brought back an intense memory."

She closed the distance between them and threw her arms around him. He melted into her embrace. "I'm sorry, my love," she whispered, rubbing a hand along his back reassuringly. So she knew of this event in his past as well. Perhaps she had been the one at the end of the memory, pulling him up?

Breaking off the embrace, she put her hand on the side of his face, smiling sadly. "I had been joking earlier, but if you're not fit for company tonight..."

He waved off her concern. "No, no. It's all right." He gave her a quick peck on the cheek. "Let's eat lunch."


	5. Chapter 5

**a/n:** yet again humbled by everyone's reviews! Had a bit of delay in getting to this chapter because, like Harry Potter and JK Rowling, my birthday was on Sunday. And my gift was getting to go out of town on a business trip. Always awesome, right? Anyhow, please continue to review. Your words inspire my words!

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><p>If there was one thing Severus had always appreciated about Lily, it was that she was incredibly attentive to how things reacted to each other. While he had witnessed the social interaction aspect of this often throughout their friendship, the place where she had truly shone was with the inanimate in Potions. He had cared about the end of the equation; his brews had been fine-tuned in order to ensure the best results. Lily's interest had always been in the actual process. Which ingredients caused which reactions. How much time something needed to simmer. Weight, size, length. The excitement for her had been in the journey.<p>

Which was perhaps why she was a Gryffindor and he had been a Slytherin. For a Gryffindor, the reward was in the experience itself. Slytherins were only motivated to embark on a journey if the promised reward at the end was something they desired.

This Lily had no basis of magic in her life, but her essence was the same. She was attentive. She was inquisitive. She was incredibly witty. How had this Severus succeeded when he had failed so spectacularly? Perhaps it was like a potion...perhaps the combination of ingredients in this reality had been what lead to the required reaction and desired result. A small shift in the balance on the scales could have tremendous influence over an outcome.

Severus realised that he still didn't know what this Lily's passions were. If she had an occupation outside of wife and mother. He was certain she did. Academia was not a well-paid profession regardless of the position being in the wizarding world or the muggle world. Their dwelling was far too nice and well-furnished to be subsisting on a single source of income. He knew that this Severus did not come from money either, so there was no trust fund supporting them.

Having spent years playing a role (being a pawn, more like), he was not unused to becoming the person others suspected him to be. He had grown immensely weary of it and he found that having to keep up a charade of pretending to be a man he wasn't in this world was just as frustrating. He wished more than anything he could confess to Lily that he had no recollection of this life, that he was a different man that had lived with the burden of his unrequited love for decades. That it ate away at him and influenced every choice he made for years. That he'd allowed himself to be manipulated for that love. That he'd fought and killed and died for it.

But he couldn't. Because he knew that saying such things in the wizarding world would have him locked away as a mad man. He couldn't imagine what the reaction would be here. To have an otherwise rational man claim to be a wizard? He would lose everything.

He would just have to endure. He already had the reward; he just had to take the journey.

Lily had requested his assistance in the kitchen to prepare the dishes they'd be serving for their dinner that evening. It had been a rarity in his life to cook, but he figured that the general methodology of potions applied to this circumstance. She was clearly a skilled cook. He wondered if this Severus had any talent.

"Helena told me she and James would be bringing the wine and the dessert, a chocolate mousse," Lily said, pulling out pots from the cabinet. "Remy and Dora are bringing the starters, I believe a nice cheese and fruit plate, likely some of her homemade bread as well."

"What shall we be making?" he asked, watching her intently. He had always loved watching her work.

"Arctic Char with a blood orange glaze over kale, lime and garlic roasted asparagus, a quinoa pilaf with summer squash, and a Waldorf-inspired salad," she replied, going to the refrigerator and selecting the food items carefully.

"That's rather intimidating," Severus replied, having not the faintest idea how he could be useful to her.

"Says the man that prepared the braised pork chops that our friends never fail to mention whenever we see them," she smirked, turning towards him. "I don't understand how cooking is the one area in your life where you're humble."

So, he had a rather lofty expectation placed upon him now. "I'm entrusting the fish to you."

Lily raised an eyebrow. "What's the occasion? You're the expert in pan-searing."

He walked over to stand beside her at the counter, where she'd begun to lay out the requirements for the three different dishes she'd described. "Expert or not, you're the far superior cook."

She looked up at him and smiled. "You and your flattery, darling. I'm beginning to suspect you're trying to get out of helping."

"Give me my instructions and I'll do whatever you ask." He continued to watch her as she organised three distinct areas. She was meticulous, yes. But he suspected her penchant for improvisation was still a trait she possessed in this life as well.

"So rare for you to be my sous chef, Sev," she replied. "But in that case, why don't you prepare the salad? It's entirely uncomplicated."

He looked down at the food laid out for him. There was mesclun, three Granny Smith apples, red grapes, and several other ingredients. He was already hopelessly lost not having knowledge of this dish, nor even a base to build from. He looked over at her, peeling the blood oranges and adding them to a liquid mixture. He couldn't help but watch those hands at work. Delicate but precise, fluid in their movements. Elegant.

She looked up at him and frowned. "Are you all right?"

He looked down at the untouched ingredients again, then back at her. "I seem to have forgotten the steps."

He couldn't help but notice a brief flicker of concern in her eyes. She opened her mouth to speak, but then shook her head. "I think you wrote down the recipe, it should be in the box over there," she replied, pointing to a small bamboo box in the corner. "I suppose it has been awhile since we've made that salad."

He found the recipe in question in the box, noting that the instructions were written in his same controlled scrawl. It was odd to see the detail here, roasting times for the walnuts, acceptable flavor variations and substitutes for the elements. This was a man that was also keen on an outcome, only obsessing over the process as a means to an end.

Recipe in hand, he began to set to work cutting up the fruits, placing the walnuts in the oven to roast, mixing the buttermilk dressing. Lily had moved onto the quinoa, saving the asparagus and fish until the guests arrived. She claimed the drama of the cooking presentation (their kitchen table having a full view of the stove) added excitement to these sorts of things and he was certain that this flare for performance was something he indulged but did not partake in.

His recipe card did include the instruction to "lay out the ingredients on top of the selected base greens, allow for mixing at the table." He wondered if this was to ensure the crispness of the ingredients or some modicum of flare for the presentation.

"That salad looks great, Sev," Lily said, glancing at him while dicing the squash. "Would you mind taking care of the rest of the squash for the pilaf? Rosie's been too quiet and I want to check on her."

He took the knife from her and assumed her task. There were shallots and chives for him to chop and mince as well, which he did with great precision as she checked on their daughter. The menu was impressive, but she seemed so nonchalant about the affair. They were clearly a team and they complimented each other in the kitchen. The recipe card spoke to experimentation and variety, which was no doubt her influence.

As he finished mincing the chives, he heard an odd bell ring out over head.

"Can you get the door, Sev?" Lily's voice called out from upstairs.

Setting his knife down, he wiped his hands on a hand towel, then went to check the front door.

He opened the door, shocked at the couple on the other side. Remus Lupin and Nymphadora Tonks.

Unable to react (or not react at all, as he was in shock), Tonks gave him a hug, followed by a handshake and side-embrace from Lupin, who was carrying a large canvas tote in one hand. Severus heard Lily come down the stairs behind him and greet their friends, engaging in happy chatter with Tonks.

"Dora, your dress is fabulous," Lily said, encouraging her friend to do a small turn and nodding in approval.

Lupin (he was known by Remy here?) stepped in and Severus shut the door behind him.

"You prepared for fall term?" Lupin...Remy asked, smiling at Severus as if they were old friends. And they likely were. This man was thin, but the slight paunch suggested he was in good health and not at the mercy of the ravages of lycanthropy as his other counterpart had been.

These people were happy, Severus noted. He didn't imagine this world without evil, but he suspected they were largely sheltered from true suffering. It was odd. It was not an unwelcome feeling, though.

Lost in thought, he realised he hadn't answered the man's greeting. "Still some planning, yet."

"So meticulous," Remy jokingly chided. "It'll be nice to have an old friend around. The science staff is brilliant, but they're not the most lively bunch."

Severus offered a ghost of a smile, purely an affectation. He was barely keeping in line with whoever he was supposed to be for Lily. How was he supposed to keep up the act with four additional people, two of whom he'd had such deep-rooted resentment (and in Potter's case, intense loathing) for in his world?

"Sorry we're so early," Tonks (Dora, he reminded himself), apologised. "But we did bring some lovely wines."

"Since Helena and James were bringing dessert, we reckoned they'd be bringing wine to pair with it," Remy said, pulling a bottle from his bag. "And this Cotes du Rhone blanc is a superb pairing with the chevre we found."

"We're never going to turn down wine, Remy," Lily replied, smiling broadly. "Eh, Sev?"

Severus smiled slightly and shook his head. "What an absurd notion."

The four made their way to the kitchen, where Remy unpacked his bag and Dora helped to arrange their cheese and fruits on a wooden board.

Lily finished up with the quinoa, mixing in the ingredients Severus had prepared for her. "Just the asparagus left to roast. I'm saving the main until Helena and James arrive and we've all settled and had some of that lovely cheese board you've brought over."

"How's work, Lil?" Dora asked.

"We're studying the reactions of several compounds for a possible arthritis medication. Very much in its early stages still," Lily responded.

Severus couldn't help but think that her occupation sounded much like the muggle equivalent of working with potions. He looked at her and smiled, pleasantly surprised.

Dora looked to be in her early twenties, younger than this group, but the discrepancy not so large as had been when she had joined the Order. Perhaps certain people were always meant to seek others out, no matter timelines. Perhaps everyone was made missing some pieces that others were meant to complete, whether through love or friendship. It would explain why so much of his life had been unhappy, at least. These people, if they were meant to be his friends, had never been able to crack his shell in his world.

"Sev, would you mind taking care of the asparagus?" Lily asked. He wondered if she'd noticed how withdrawn he'd become with the arrival of their guests. Likely.

He nodded, then took to preparing the asparagus with the lime and minced garlic she'd prepared, sprinkling some sea salt over top, then setting it in the oven. "How long?"

"Ten minutes should do, but check on it," she replied. She had pulled out glasses for the group and Remy poured a splash into a glass for Lily. She took a sip and nodded. "Fantastic, Remy."

"I know you're not overly fond of whites, Sev," Remy said suddenly. "But I think you should try this. We tried it at a vineyard while on holiday last month and were quite impressed." He poured glasses for the rest of them and Lily handed them out.

"All right," Severus replied, washing his hands, then going to join them. He inspected the wine then took a sip. It was dry but had hints of citrus. Quite an excellent wine, really.

"Where's your darling daughter?" Dora asked, taking a sip from her own glass.

Lily shrugged. "I thought she'd come running down here as soon as she heard the bell."

"Perhaps she's just primping for Harry," Remy joked, nudging Severus in the shoulder playfully.

To his credit, he did not scowl. But he did have to fight hard to keep an air of nonchalance.

"They grow up so fast," Dora said wistfully, casting an odd look in Remy's direction.

"Rosie can stay a child for some time," Severus blurted out.

"Ever the protective father," Lily smiled, going to stand beside him and rubbing his shoulder. "I'm not sure who I'm more concerned about when she becomes a teenager."

"Oh, Rosie, certainly," Remy laughed, grinning at Severus. What was their history here? He was treating him as one would one of their dearest friends? Certainly he wasn't on such friendly terms with this man? "Sev'll lock any boyfriend of hers in a dungeon somewhere."

Severus took another sip of his wine. If he was being made to have good humor about something, he'd at least do it under the influence.

"We'll be obtaining some very large dogs," Severus replied, stone-faced and serious. It garnered a laugh from the group, likely because they'd assumed it to be sarcasm instead of sincere.

Lily gave him a quick peck on the cheek. In the quickest of flashes, she stole a glance into his eyes. There was a question in her eyes (how good she was at sensing his moods), asking him if he was all right. Sacrifice, ultimately, was what she was offering him. She would give up this evening with their friends for him.

He shook his head so slightly it would be imperceptible to anyone but her.

"These candied walnuts, did you make these Dora?" Lily asked, turning her attentions back to the food.

"I did," she replied happily, popping a blueberry into her mouth. "I've been trying some new things out with nuts recently."

"Now, you're not still vegetarian, correct?" Lily asked, a slight edge of concern in her voice.

"I've been eating fish, so not entirely, no," she said.

"I'm afraid that's my bad influence," Remy joked, taking a swig from his glass. "I'm practically a wild animal the way I eat." He shot Dora an apologetic look and she merely smiled.

"I would've felt very guilty, I didn't even think to check before coming up with the menu. We'll be having fish as the main, though," Lily said, relieved.

Remy made a move to refill everyone's glass (Severus assumed that this was a group that was overly fond of getting intoxicated at gatherings) as the doorbell rang out again.

"Sounds like the Potters are here," Lily said, heading out to answer the door.

"We haven't seen James and Helena in ages," Dora said, looking over to Remy for confirmation.

"Not since before we went on holiday...nearly two months I'd say," he replied.

There was noise in the foyer and the sounds of running overhead. Rosie had clearly realised that her friend had arrived.

"Harry!" Rosie called out, her disembodied voice ringing out from the hallway.

Unable to stop himself, Severus put down his glass of wine and went out into the hallway to watch over his daughter. Now that there were Potter men in the house, neither his wife nor his daughter were safe in his opinion. As he entered the hallway, there was a purple blur that tore past him.

Standing near the door, shrugging off his blazer, was James Potter. Beside him, having his hooded jumper pulled off his small shoulders by a blonde woman, was a very young, noticeably un-scarred Harry Potter.

To his horror, his daughter was hugging Harry and his wife was hugging James.

Perhaps this world wasn't entirely the gift he thought it was.


	6. Chapter 6

**a/n:** so sorry for the delay everyone! this chapter is a little longer than usual as a reward for you patience. I continue to be humbled by your lovely reviews, so I hope this next installment doesn't disappoint.

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><p>Standing in the doorway, watching his small family be so affectionate towards this man that had been the source of nearly all of his grief, Severus was struggling to maintain composure. Something welled up within him, but as he tried to quell this ire, all he felt was sick.<p>

His knees threatened to buckle as his eyes closed, a heavy rushing sound in his ears.

The rushing sound dissipated as quick as it came on, but he struggled to open his eyes. His brain was collecting the information his senses were taking in, but there was no time to process any of it before a body was colliding into him and he was thrown on the cold, muddy ground.

His head made impact with the earth and his eyes shut again briefly. The body that had taken him down had immediately relieved him of its pressure. Dazed, he lay there, his hand tentatively feeling his face and the warm wetness that was running from a nostril. He had been inside just a moment ago, how was he suddenly outside?

A whistle sounded and he heard the footsteps of several people draw nearer.

"Black, that's a yellow card. Off to the sin-bin," a man's voice called out.

"The tackle was fair, sir," argued a familiar, petulant voice nearby. James Potter. Of course he was defending his friend against this authority figure.

Severus slowly opened his eyes. All he saw was the grey of the overcast day. A man came into view and kneeled down next to him.

"All right, Snape?" the man asked, looking at him with concern. "Can you sit up?"

He wasn't entirely sure, but with the man's aid he got himself to an upright position. He realised there was blood trickling down his face and he wiped it off with his shirt sleeve. Slowly he took in his surroundings. He was surrounded by a group of teenaged boys and this man. He had heard James Potter somewhere in this group and he knew Sirius had to be around as well. He wasn't sure why they were amongst so many youths though.

"Snivellus is just faking," called out a familiar voice in the group. Peter Pettigrew? Was that even possible?

"Shut up, Peter," came Lupin's voice, admonishing Peter. They all sounded...younger. As he remembered them when they ran around Hogwarts calling themselves the Marauders and being entirely insufferable.

He realised he was in another memory and swore softly to himself. He looked down at his hands, not as worn or calloused after years of potion-making, dark arts, and espionage. His skin was creamy white, somewhat of a sallow tinge. There was no scar on his arm. He looked around in the crowd, spotting all four of them, smug looks on every face but Lupin's.

"Why don't you take a walk," the man suggested, patting him on the shoulder. "Malfoy, why don't you walk with Snape, just in case?"

A young Lucius jogged up, putting an arm around Severus and helping him to his feet. He had known Lucius as a teenager at Hogwarts, though he had been several years ahead of him. This boy seemed to be closer in age to the group of teenagers he'd been playing with.

As the two walked off, the crowd began to run around the field again, tossing around a ball and tackling each other. The game looked barbaric to Severus and he wasn't entirely sure what would have persuaded him to take it up in the first place.

"Black's a git," Lucius said when they were far enough away. "And a waste from such a prominent family."

Ah, blood snobbery. He was oddly comforted by some things being entirely the same in this world. The two were slowly walking towards a grouping of grey stone buildings, which all looked relatively old. He figured this to be a school and, from the looks of the scale, a boarding school much like Hogwarts had been.

He had absolutely no desire to relive his own unhappy childhood, let alone this man's. He only hoped that this torture didn't extend to the school being boys-only. If Lily wasn't on these grounds somewhere, he was going to smash his fist into the first stone wall he came across.

"Can you take me back to the dormitory?" Severus asked, wiping his nose again, dismayed to find there was still some errant blood dripping from it.

"Sure you don't want to see the nurse? You could probably get Black suspended," Malfoy encouraged. "A shame schools no longer cane."

Severus shook his head. "I just need a lie down."

Something akin to worry flashed over Lucius's features. Lucius Malfoy! So callous and yet, here in this world this snobby teenage boy was struggling not to show sympathy. He wondered briefly what this boy grew into in this world. Judging by the quality of his sport clothes and the relative cleanliness of his trainers, let alone the off comment he'd made about Black's lineage, he had no doubt this Lucius came from just as wealthy and respectable family as his wizard counterpart.

"Do you want me to walk you to your room?" Lucius asked, with that incredibly fascinating tinge of concern in his voice.

Severus made a point to not dwell on it. "If you wouldn't mind."

They walked back to the dormitory in amicable silence. Severus took the time to take in his surroundings. The previous memories he'd experienced had been much quicker, with more intense emotions. Jagged edges. This memory however was too long, too mundane. He wondered if he was passed out in the foyer, a worried Lily frantically calling for help as their friends tried to calm the children. Perhaps he was being rushed to a hospital. He wouldn't be able to bare seeing James Potter's face when he returned to present time. No doubt it would hold some smug look.

"_Isn't it a shame you married this git, Lily? I _never _faint_," he imagined him saying.

The only thing worse was being trapped in a memory of a school age James Potter, at the height of his bullying career. Add in Sirius Black and this was pure misery.

At least there was Malfoy? Though this trust had led to nothing but trouble at Hogwarts. Lucius had been his link to a greater access to the dark arts...and ultimately the Dark Lord himself. This Lucius may have flickers of decency, but he was not necessarily to be trusted.

He needed to find Lily. She could anchor him in this. Give him direction.

"Lily Evans," he blurted out suddenly, almost desperately.

"Probably at the girl's football practice," Lucius answered, trying to mask his interest with nonchalance. "Why?"

"I...borrowed some notes from her. Where's the girl's dorm?" Severus asked.

"Across the quad, but you might as well just wait until dinner," Lucius said. "If you overexert yourself and pass out while I'm responsible for you, you can forget visiting our country home during holiday."

There was the Malfoy charm he was so accustomed to. He'd never found Lucius to be particularly interesting company and he figured it was likely because he assumed people only measured him by his material worth. He taunted his "friends" with favors and gifts to have some modicum of control over them (when blackmail or common bullying didn't work), but ultimately he was a man controlled by his possessions.

Malfoy deposited him at his room, which was actually rather nice. There were two beds, two desks, and two sets of drawers. It was clear which side was his-the desk had neat stacks of papers and books, the bed with no trace of personal affects. Unlike his roommate, his bed was made. Meticulous.

He looked through the drawers of his desk. They were entirely filled with school supplies and notes. He lifted the mattress and found what he knew was hiding there-a small black journal. He may not know everything about this Severus's life, but he knew himself as a teenager. Unhappy, tormented, and prone to soliloquy. Of course he kept a record of it in a journal.

As he flipped it open, a worn photo fell out. It was of him and Lily as much younger children. They were dressed in school uniforms and looked to be about eight or nine. Lily's smile was wide, a few teeth missing, eyes looking straight at the camera. This young Severus, much like the young adult version in the photo taken in Scotland, was concerned only with her. As if nothing else existed for him.

He had been molding his entire world around her from such a young age. It didn't matter when or where or who they were; Lily would always be the force that breathed the air of meaning into his life.

"You all right, Sev?" came a worried voice as the door opened a crack. Standing at the entrance, looking unsure of himself, was a teenage Lupin. His sandy hair messy, looking gangly and awkward in the way that only teenage boys could look.

Quickly shutting his journal, as if he'd been caught reading someone else's, he threw it onto the bed.

"Why do you care?" Severus snapped. And he did actually want to know.

Lupin looked at the floor. "I know Sirius and James can be right bastards sometimes, but they're not all bad," he said. "Not like Malfoy," he added, almost too quietly.

"I have no interest in listening to you defend them while condemning someone else."

Lupin entered the room and sat on the unmade bed. Was he his roommate? It would figure. Some people were gifted with good fortune. Unfortunately he was not one of them.

"If...if they apologized...would that help anything?" Lupin offered.

Severus looked up and scowled. "I'd prefer not to waste my time listening to hollow platitudes." He realised that his diction wasn't actually befitting a teenager's vocabulary, but he didn't really care. He had no desire to be here and the sooner this memory ended, the better.

"I know you think everything in your life is some huge tragedy," Lupin spat out suddenly, standing and looking directly at him. "But you would have more friends if you let people be your friend."

Severus rose slowly, his ire building. "You don't understand because you haven't seen the other end of it. So mind your own sodding business."

Lupin sat back down, stunned. Clearly he was unused to this Severus being this irate. Were they friends here and now? From the defeated posture, he figured that if they weren't full-fledged friends, they were more than mere roommates.

There was a soft knock at the door. It took the briefest flash for Severus to realise it was Lily. Lily. Beautiful and young, concern alight in her green eyes.

"I think Malfoy was trying to do you a favor because Cissy told me you'd taken a nasty blow during rugger? And that I should come see you." She looked tentatively at Lupin who, to his credit, was trying to pretend like he wasn't there.

"That arse Black tackled me," Severus replied.

"You all right?" she asked.

He wished they weren't teenagers and he wasn't trapped in this memory. By her own admission he knew that there was nothing romantic between them until nearly the end of university. That was years off from this. If he had to relive every second of those years, he would drive himself mad waiting for that rain-soaked kiss to finally come.

He nodded. He'd always been a good liar.

"Can we talk?" he asked, tentative.

She looked concerned, but she nodded. He stood up and left the room, not looking back at Lupin.

"You and Remy have a row?" Lily asked.

"Am I friends with him?" he asked. He figured, if nothing else gave him an excuse to inquire about this person, a good knock in the head allowed it.

Lily raised an eyebrow. "He seems to think you are, what with the both of you deciding to room together this year and all," she replied, a disappointed tone in her voice. He hated disappointing her.

"Why?"

"Is this about something James and Sirius did?"

They walked out of the dorm, back outside where the crisply cool wind had picked up. There were small groups of other students roaming about, mostly boys in groups of boys and girls with groups of girls.

"Don't tell me you're going to defend them as well," Sev groaned.

He hated this. He hated that he had to once again look but not touch. That at this point in their lives she had no idea of how deep his love for her had already taken root. How could she not know? He was known for subtlety, but she was also intuitive. The pictures of them together must have at least given her the hint of his infatuation.

"James is a little aloof and Sirius seems to think he's some sort of gift to the world...but they're more than just that. They're good people, Sev," she replied. "It's important to me that you understand they're good people."

"Why?"

"I'm...well," Lily stuttered, a rarity as she was usually so eloquent with her words. "Sev, you must know?"

A gnawing fear ate at him, an overwhelming pressure falling around him, pinning him in place. "What, Lily?"

"I mean, it's new...it's not official or anything," she continued, prolonging this agony. She noticed his evident discomfort and sighed, her shoulders dropping. "Sev, our friendship means everything to me-"

"Oh god, you're not," he suddenly realised, terrified. "Potter?"

She smiled slightly and he knew, looking at those green irises, that she had already been ensnared by that ravenous beast of teenage affection. If he were a teenager with no knowledge of what had happened or would happen, if he had no reason to believe that this torture wasn't permanent, he was sure his heart would have torn apart at that moment.

This was of course the rational side to him dissecting the situation. Unfortunately, rationality was not in control at that moment. He felt possessed.

"Why, Lily?" he asked, his voice nearly cracking as the words tumbled out. "He's a prat. A rich show-off who goes around tormenting people he thinks are below him!"

"Sev," she began calmly, though the slight glossiness to her eyes let him know he was treading on fragile ground here, "I know all you see are the worst things in most people. And I know James has never showed you any indication that he is a decent person...but he is. He really, truly cares about things, about people-"

"If the git cared so much, why does he torture me?" Severus snapped.

"You're not innocent, Sev! You think you are, but you're not. You've nearly gotten him expelled, unless you've completely forgotten that time you set him up!" How quickly the hurt in her eyes had been replaced with anger.

"I thought you were better than this, Lily. I thought you cared more than looks or money, but clearly I was wrong," he said slowly, making sure each word cut into her. "You two deserve each other. You're just as shallow and conceited as he is...and you'll always put your faith in the wrong people because you're so damn naive."

A single tear left a salty wet trail down her cheek. Her lips curled into a small, rueful smile. "You're a bastard, Sev. But as usual, you're right," she began, wiping the tear from her face. "I do put my faith in the wrong people. It's the only thing that explains our friendship."

And with that admission, she turned and left.

He realised, with startling clarity, that his desire to maker her suffer in this brief moment, to make her feel a tenth of the pain that he felt, was what would dissolve their friendship for the next several years. He'd managed to do it again. Something told him, no matter what reality they belonged to, he was destined to hurt her gravely at some crucial juncture in their lives. He was a bastard. He was vindictive and cruel and he'd just managed to drive her further into Potter's arms.

Turning around, he braced himself against the stone of the dormitory wall. It was cool and rough, slightly damp from earlier rains. Before he knew it, his fist was connecting with the stone, pain blossoming from his knuckles as the torn skin began to bleed. He kept punching the wall, over and over, hoping this pain could numb that soul-crushing agony of losing the only person in this or any world that he'd ever love. His hand became a bloodied, mangled mess and he slid to the ground, cradling it against his chest.

He sat there, unmoving, staring out over the courtyard, watching the other students. He became acutely aware of his heartbeat, the pulse beating in harmony with the ebb and flow of pain from his hand. He was cold, but he didn't care. He was hungry, but it was immaterial.

The sky was grey, his hand was bleeding and likely broken, and he'd managed to lose Lily all over again. All he wanted was this damn memory to be done with, he wanted to go back to his new life and hold Lily and Rosie and never let them go; never let them feel any pain if he could help it.

"Sev," came an uncertain voice.

He looked up, surprised to see Lupin there, looking at him with immense concern.

"What'd you do to your hand?" he asked, crouching down to get a better look.

"Lily's dating...Lily likes..." he couldn't get the name out, its bitter taste making his throat dry.

"Shit, Sev, this doesn't look good," Lupin said, gently prodding the hand and furrowing his brow. "Can you stand up?"

Severus shook his head.

"Look, I know you've been listening to _Meat is Murder_ a lot and you think you're some Byronic hero...but this is no good," Lupin replied, trying to coax him into some sort of reaction. "If you don't get up for me as the caring friend, you're going to have to get up for me the prick prefect."

Severus nodded and slowly got to his feet. The two walked in silence, Severus realising he was being led to the nurse.

The nurse admonished him dutifully upon examination of his hand. After the severe chastising, he was sent to the hospital, where the doctor took what she called 'x-rays' of his hand, pronounced several of the bones broken or fractured, then wrapped it in a cast. She also provided him with pain killers, though he wished more than anything he could heal this magically. He didn't like the idea of waiting weeks for the breaks to mend naturally.

Throughout the entire ordeal, Lupin accompanied him. Severus was still unclear on the teenager's allegiance, certain there was no way he considered Lupin to be this good of a friend. Though Lupin had always been annoyingly caring about the well being of others. And he'd always been rather persistent in a sly way...perhaps this teenage Severus had just figured a friendship the best way to deal with an onslaught of empathy.

Though despite the nurse, the doctor, the natural healing and pain, or even just having to spend hours with Lupin, the worst part of the ordeal was the call he received from his parents. His mother was stern yet sympathetic and he wondered if the harsh edge to her voice at the start of the conversation was due to his father listening in; her tone softened the longer they spoke. It had been ages since he had spoken to his mother in his previous life and he could tell they weren't incredibly close in this reality either. He suddenly remembered the short note he'd found amongst Lily's things from university-at some point in the future his parents would decide on a divorce, though his father's passing would end up negating it.

His mother was unable to dissuade his father from speaking to him, and he had to hold the phone slightly away from his ear for the shouting on the other end. No doubt he was well into the blended scotch this evening and hearing his son had managed to break his hand only served to enrage the man that would smack him in the head for such small transgressions as forgetting to take his shoes off upon entering the house. This was unthinkable to him, and he made sure to let Severus know just how moronic and worthless he was.

Luckily he was able to hang up with most of his hearing intact, but not very much of his pride. He solemnly returned to his dorm room, the yelling recalling traumatic episodes from his actual childhood and putting him in (if at all possible) an even worse mood. Severus had an entire catalog of terrible memories and this one now found a home among them.

He sat down on his bed, not changing out of his dirtied sport clothes from earlier in the day. He merely threw the blanket around his shoulders and stared at his feet.

"I know you probably don't want to talk," Lupin began hesitantly. "But if you need anything, let me know." And he said nothing more for the rest of the evening, he merely worked on school work at his desk and,once finished, moved to his bed to read.

Perhaps this was why there was a friendship. Lupin only pushed when he knew something needed to be pushed. This boy respected him. He was likely aware of the terrible relationship Severus had with his parents (though he was sure no one but Lily knew the intimate details of his father's verbal and physical abuse). Suddenly, he found that he appreciated having this one real friend now that he'd managed to sever the connection between himself and Lily. Severus couldn't imagine confiding in someone like Lucius at a time like this beyond plunging himself into Lucius's world of materialism and arrogance much like he had the last time around.

No, Lupin was the link to his decency in this world. A pivotal ally. He understood now and he welcomed it.

"Lupin," he said suddenly, after having lost himself in contemplation for long enough.

The other boy looked up from his book and propped himself up on an elbow.

"How long have we been friends?"

Lupin considered. "Well, we've known each other since probably the first day we started here. But you didn't finally acquiesce to a friendship until we were assigned to sit together in Physics two years ago. Why?"

"Losing a friend has made me want to take stock in the ones I have remaining," Severus replied glumly. "And I think you're it."

"Isn't Lucius one of your mates?" Lupin asked, though the contemptuous tone to his voice wasn't exactly subtle.

"I'm not sure I'd call Malfoy a friend." And it was true. Lucius had been an ally, but friend carried with it a different connotation. It was not classification he'd ever use in describing Malfoy.

"I'm sure you haven't 'lost' Lily as a friend though, Sev. She'll come round."

A sudden urge to slam the injured hand against the wall welled up inside him, but he managed to subdue himself. This self-destructive streak wasn't familiar to him, at least, not this form of it. As a teenager he'd turned to the dark arts and experimentation with incantations and potions, as an adult he couldn't deny that he'd lost himself at the bottom of a bottle a few times. This rage was different though and he wondered if some of the other Severus's personality was beginning to bleed into him.

"She won't. Not for a long time," he replied, smirking. "And I don't blame her."

"I honestly didn't know about...about her and, er, um-" Lupin was flustered, unsure whether or not he was allowed to speak the name that was the source of all of his anguish that day.

"Potter?"

"Why didn't you just tell her you fancied her as more than a friend?" Lupin asked, as if it were the simplest thing in the world. As if things would just work out perfectly like some fairy tale.

Deep down he wondered why he'd never been direct with Lily. Why he suffered in silence all those years, letting the strands of their relationship slowly unravel until he finally severed the remaining sinews. He knew in this world he fought back for her, but there was some other event that transpired between her and Potter in the future that gave him this opportunity. In the life he'd left, even if she had lived, even if Voldemort had killed another family instead, there wouldn't have been any redemption for him. That was the difference here: he had two very distinct paths of friendship ahead of him. There was the confidant he had in Lupin and there was the lust for status and the trappings of wealth in Malfoy. Had there been a different option at Hogwarts, perhaps things might have been different. For all he knew, there was some branch of that reality where events played out differently. There were endless possibilities. Endless worlds that must run parallel to one another. It was staggering to think about.

"Because she's my friend," Severus replied finally. "Because I know what she wants. And it's not me."

"It's not the end of the world, Sev," Lupin said.

He braced himself for more platitudes, but they never came. He appreciated this Lupin's tact. He was a surprisingly good confidant and it was obvious why he had been chosen prefect. It was almost a pity that he was friends with people like Potter, Black, and Pettigrew. Though perhaps in this world that friendship wasn't as solid as the one between him and Severus. Lupin had defended Potter and Black earlier in the day, but when it came to Severus and Lily, it was apparent that he supported that connection more than anything between Potter and her.

Suddenly, he wondered how close he had allowed Lupin to get to him. "Maybe it's not the end of this world, but what if it were the end of another?"

Lupin raised an eyebrow at the hypothesis, then smirked. "You've really gotten into quantum theory this year, haven't you?"

Severus wasn't entirely sure what Lupin meant by 'quantum theory,' but if it was the alternative to thinking Severus had gone mad, it necessitated further investigation. "Do we have any study material on quantum theory?"

"Nothing beyond the small section in our physics text book. It's definitely a bit more advanced than Professor Long is willing to get into with our year. I thought you had borrowed some books from the library though?"

Severus got up from his bed and looked at first the books on his desk, then the ones on his shelf. Many of the books had to do with science, but nothing seemed to be related to whatever Lupin had mentioned. At least not at first glance, but he figured he should save going through each book on his shelf until he was alone in the room so as not to act even more suspicious than he likely already was.

"Well, I'm going to go to bed if that's all right, Sev?" Lupin said, stifling a yawn. He placed a bookmark in his book and placed it on the desk next to his bed, switching off the lamp that swung over above him.

Figuring it would be best to sleep himself, regardless of whether this memory would last through the morning or not, Severus pulled off the shirt he'd been wearing and slipped under the covers of his bed. Quantum theory. He was interested in what this muggle theory had to do with multiple worlds. Perhaps he hadn't given them enough credit. A world without magic wasn't necessary a world without wonder, he reasoned. This must be the reason this Severus was so interested in the sciences. It had to be the thing in this world that could captivate his logical mind the way the Potions and the dark arts had in the wizarding world.

He had flipped the switch of the desk lamp beside his bed, but in the darkness his mind was racing. From the new possibilities of the forces that guided this world to his broken hand, from the loss of Lily to the verbal reaming he'd received from his father, from the trust he'd placed in Lupin to his inherent distrust of Malfoy. Somehow, despite all of the scenarios running through his head and all of the things he had to contemplate and dissect, he managed to finally drift off into a fitful sleep.


	7. Chapter 7

**a/n**: I really can't thank all you lovely readers enough for reviewing and spreading the love. you guys are seriously the best.

as a real note: foreverhope23 brought up the great point that Rosie interacted as a slightly older child. This had been something that had bugged me, so I've decided to go back and change her & Harry's ages to 6, which I think is more fitting. I always welcome good crit, so if something is bugging you folks, absolutely let me know!

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><p>A shrill, monotonous beeping startled him awake. He sucked in air through his nose and sat up, blearily searching for the source of the irritating sound. Through the haze of heavy-lidded eyes, he saw Lupin roll over and smack a small rectangular object with red numbers glowing on the front of it. The sound ceased instantly.<p>

Having been yanked from the clutches of sleep, no matter how poor the quality, Severus's heart was beating rapidly. He breathed in heavily, then looked over at Lupin who had rolled back over, away from the noise maker.

He wasn't going to be able to fall back asleep now. Outside the room he heard movement and voices. He wasn't sure what he was supposed to do, but he supposed he should wait for Lupin to wake up.

What he hadn't taken time to consider yet, and what he finally realised, was that he had slept through the night, but he was still in this same memory. No additional time beyond the several hours overnight seemed to have passed. Everything in the room was the way it looked prior to falling asleep. He was still a teenager. There was still a cast on his hand. Now that he'd acknowledged the hand, the pain awoke within it like a dragon rousing from sleep, fire coursing up his arm. He looked over at the bottle of pills the doctor had given him, reading the directions.

Take one with food. Though the doctor had warned a full dose would likely knock him out. He was tall for a 16-year old, she'd said, but he was underweight. He wondered what would happen if he took his half dose without food, but the temptation quickly passed as he realised that he'd just be like any dunderhead that didn't follow the instructions for one of his potions and complained when faced with the consequences.

He was pulled out of his reverie with a jolt as the object once again sounded its shrill beeping alarm. This time Lupin flicked a switch, yawned, and slowly sat up. "Sorry," he said groggily. "I know you hate when I hit snooze on the alarm, but it's Friday, so I reckoned you'd let it go this once."

"That's one of the most annoying objects I've ever encountered."

Lupin smirked. "There's the charm. We can't all have freakishly accurate internal clocks."

Swinging his legs over to the side of the bed, Lupin stretched his arms and yawned fiercely. "You eat yet, mate? You've got to before you take any medicine."

"I can read," Severus replied, but he found the more he spoke with the other boy, the more his icy sneers melted into friendly sarcasm. If there was such a thing. "And no, I haven't eaten yet."

Something within him was allowing his barriers to come crumbling down. Emotions had always been something he had carefully controlled, even as a small child. He didn't allow himself to feel the extremes on either end of the spectrum, let alone display them outwardly. He had felt this same odd feeling the previous day when he'd broken his hand. Physical self-harm was not an avenue of self-inflicted anger that he'd often allowed himself to travel down. He wondered why he had been overcome at that moment.

Lupin nodded, knowingly. "It's going to be hard for awhile. Doing the routine a little differently."

Severus realised he was carefully broaching the subject of his falling out with Lily. His daily routine was no doubt centered around her. Everything was centered around her. Now he was merely a body with no orbit, traveling aimlessly through space.

The use of the word "routine" so nonchalantly bothered him, however. Lupin likely viewed something as mundane as him eating breakfast with Lily as being relatively inconsequential in the grand scheme of friendship. Yet, Severus knew that, no matter how small, how seemingly insignificant those moments with her were, the mere fact that they were spent with her made them more valuable than anything in this or any world.

If he was truly stuck in this memory though, he would have to go about things the way this Severus would. He hated to think that the loss of his regular routine would allow him to mask his ignorance with grief, but it did offer him the opportunity to not face scrutiny when his actions seemed out of character. He had barely cracked the surface of the adult Severus, how was he supposed to blend into this world as well?

"Can I ask you a few questions without you getting concerned?" Severus asked finally, after debating whether he should try to figure everything out on his own or not. He was loathe to admit that he needed help, but he hoped Lupin could offer it along with a healthy dose of discretion. Perhaps Malfoy could offer more insight later in the day, but he already got the feeling that Lucius was not a person that he divulged secrets to.

You couldn't place confidence in a person that was known for being an adept blackmailer. That was just woeful naivete. Lupin didn't have a single deceptive cell in his body. He was clearly a suitable person to deserve trust. He was also his only option, which considerably narrowed things down.

"Maybe," Lupin replied. He stood up and went over to his drawers, pulling out some clothes and tossing them on the bed. Severus had always figured the other man to be unkempt due to the ravages of lycanthropy, but it was evident that for all his virtues, order was not among them.

"I've got some blank spaces...I don't remember the classes I'm supposed to go to today. Or where they are," Severus admitted.

Lupin unfortunately did look concerned. "Sev, maybe you got a concussion yesterday."

"I don't need a diagnosis or advice. I just need your assistance," Sev replied. "And I suppose your discretion, though I shouldn't have to request that at all."

The look of concern didn't completely leave Lupin's face, but he did appear as though he would go along with it. "Yeah all right. But if this doesn't go away by the end of the school day, I think you should see the nurse again."

"You'd make me go back to that old cow?" Severus asked, feigning an appalled look. "With as much as you worry, you'll make a very good mother some day."

Lupin pretended to be unamused, pointing an accusing finger at him. "Watch it. I'll write you up for insubordination and disrespecting a prefect."

And then, unable to help himself, Severus smiled. It wasn't a broad, toothy grin (he was certain that his face would sooner split in two before a smile of that magnitude graced it), but he definitely felt the slight upturn of his lips. It was perhaps the first genuine smile he'd ever had in front of someone who wasn't Lily. It was as though an entirely uncharted territory had been discovered upon his face.

Something was clearly wrong here.

"How about we get some food? We've got a bit of time before Lit starts," Remus offered, pulling a sweater over his head. He ruffled his hair and tried to smooth some of the wrinkles, but the minimal effort didn't prove to have much of an effect on his appearance.

Severus nodded, hesitant. He knew that going to a communal area increased the risk of running into not only James and Sirius, but also Lily. The worst scenario of course being the threat of running into all three of them together, enjoying themselves. When the world had wronged you, you wanted nothing less than for the entirety of humanity to suffer along with you. Nothing stung worse than having to be around happiness.

"Why don't you get yourself sorted and meet me in the common room in five minutes? We'll come back before Lit, so no need to bring your books."

Lupin left the room, shutting the door softly behind him.

Severus found his uniform, the clothing items carefully folded within the drawers. As a child, his father had often punished him for having disorganised drawers. The odds and ends that made up his shabby wardrobe were always to be folded properly and stowed away neatly. A sleeve caught in the drawer, so that it was no longer flush with the unit, would earn him a slap on the back of the head. He had no doubt of a similar experience occurring for this Severus as a child and wondered if Lupin's reckless disrespect for order ever bothered this Severus. Did he make exceptions for Lupin so that resentment didn't mutate into loathing?

This Severus must have feared an uninhibited descent into hatred. Though still a teenager, years spent inside his own mind made him have a very thorough understanding of his personality and all of its faults. He knew he was quick to judgment, quick to loathing, with cynicism and pessimism clouding his world view. Though at 16 he was not yet entirely a misanthrope, and the fortuitous introduction of such an affable boy as Lupin young enough in the timeline might have prevented a full-on freefall. It was the only thing that explained how Lupin continued to make an effort in their interactions.

He dressed finally, exiting the room and finding Lupin waiting for him on a sofa in the common room area outside. The room was small, likely serving this cluster of rooms only. He was sure there was a larger common room somewhere else for the use of the entirety of this house. Lupin stood up upon seeing Severus and waved him over, a small smile on his face.

Severus stifled a grimace.

He followed Lupin out of the dormitory and down the courtyard towards a larger, main building at the head of the building bloc. This was likely where the majority of classes were held and he hoped it proved to be less intricate inside than Hogwarts. He doubted any muggle institution would be as hard to navigate, but he made allowances for being thrust into an unfamiliar environment with no knowledge of it.

Inside they walked along a corridor, passing by other students, though for the most part following the stream of their peers towards the dining hall. Severus wasn't entirely sure why he was expecting something similar to Hogwarts, but upon finding a sea of small tables instead of those four long, distinct wooden ones that had been such a fixture in his life for so many years, he found himself oddly disappointed. There was an odd feeling withing him...longing, perhaps. He feared he was homesick. How unexpected.

A quick look around provided him with a sense of calm after he failed to spot the tell-tale auburn hair. In a far corner, however, surrounded by a group of adoring boys and girls, were James Potter and Sirius Black. Groveling mere feet away was Peter Pettigrew, noticeably out of place with those two, but trying desperately to look as though he belonged. A rat. No matter where he was, he would always be vermin.

Severus resisted the urge to vomit and saw the line for food. He wasn't particularly hungry, but his hand still throbbed and he decided it was best to force something edible down so he could medicate himself against the sharp bite of the pain. Lupin had disappeared among the line, but he found that he was well within the bounds of his abilities here. All he had to do was grab something small but substantial, then head back to his room.

"Snape," came a voice from behind him, startling him.

Turning around, Severus saw Lucius with a small smile, flanked by two broad, muscular teens. Of course he had lackeys, even here.

"Not even a good morning, then?" Lucius asked, pretending to be disappointed.

"Morning," Severus mumbled, not wanting to have to deal with whatever Lucius needed from him. And he knew he needed something, because there wouldn't be pleasantries without it.

"So, about that analysis for Comstock's class," Lucius said, not one to pretend to be sociable for the sake of it.

"What about it?" Severus asked, though he wasn't entirely sure what the other boy was talking about.

"I know you took a good knock on the head yesterday afternoon and all, but we did have a deal."

Severus wasn't sure if he was relieved or upset that this version of himself had managed to fall into Malfoy's grasp. It was no doubt that, much as Lucius had symbolised the promise of a better life during his Hogwarts years (the wealth, the status, the connections), he was that same beacon of possibility in this world. Severus supposed there would always be a little bit of snake in him, no matter the roll of the dice.

"Could you refresh my memory?" Severus asked, hoping to shed a little light on what he'd managed to get himself into.

"No. No more favors. I know you're keen on Cambridge and if you want my father to put that good word in for you come next year, you need to start keeping up your end of the deal," Lucius hissed, lowering his voice to a whisper.

Well, at least he had been compromising himself for higher education. That now put this new life in jeopardy: as an adult, did he continue to be strung along by Lucius Malfoy, his life forever indebted to him because he'd provided him with access to a world he may not have been able to achieve otherwise?

He sincerely hoped that his life was his honestly. He hoped he'd attained it on his own merits.

But for now, he owed Malfoy. And it wasn't wise to make an enemy this powerful when it was clear he was already incredibly unpopular here.

"When is it due?" Severus asked, sighing.

"You are joking," Lucius replied, furrowing his brow. "It's due today."

"You'll have it in time for class." Severus hoped that this version of himself was as regimented as he had been-he hoped he'd already finished the assignment and it was actually in a state to be handed over.

Lucius smiled, his mood having instantly improved. He placed a hand on his shoulder. "That's all I needed to hear, Sev." With that, he turned, followed by the two large boys. They hadn't said a word, had barely even showed any signs that they understood the conversation that had just happened before them.

He wondered vaguely if these boys partook in that game he'd been playing the previous day. And he briefly considered whether he could ask a favor of Lucius to get one of those beasts to tackle Sirius Black.

Lost in the bliss of imagining Black being tackled by the pair of those boys, he didn't notice Lily join the line. Yanked out of the reverie, he quickly turned around, hoping he could blend into the line and not have his tall, awkward frame betray him. If the line could even just move faster. He wasn't asking for much.

"Lily," he heard Potter's voice shout, the sounds of his footfalls on the hard linoleum as he joined her in the line.

Severus willed himself to be stricken deaf. Invisible and deaf. Or even if the earth could just swallow him up at that moment. Anything but this.

"Hi James," he heard Lily greet. Too affable.

God he hoped the silent lull wasn't because the two of them were kissing. He had to will himself to look straight forward, for fear he'd turn to stone if he looked back at them. _Just get through this sodding line_, he willed himself. _Just a little bit of food, then you're free_.

Luckily a group of very loud girls joined the line and anything Potter and Lily may have said to each other was drowned out. He had never been so grateful for the inane banter of schoolgirls, but right now there was no greater sound in the world.

He managed to grab some eggs, a bagel and some orange juice, finding a plastic fork and some napkins before attempting to head back to the dormitory. If he could escape the dining hall unnoticed, he would sacrifice a small animal to whatever deity he was supposed to be worshipping in this world. Stuffing the fork and napkins into his trouser pocket, he took his plate and cup and began walking purposefully towards the exit.

"Snivellus, you weren't going to eat breakfast with us today?" taunted Black from behind him. "I'm hurt."

Severus continued to walk, hoping that he could just ignore the boy today without facing some sort of torment in retaliation.

"Perhaps all that greasy hair covering your ears is preventing you from hearing me, but I asked you a question," Black continued. "Seems pretty rude to just ignore someone."

A hand gripped his shoulder and spun him around quickly, causing the juice to spill from the cup onto his cast and the floor. He felt the sticky liquid trickle into the cast, stinging the wounds from the previous day.

"So clumsy. I'm surprised they don't make you drink out of a bottle."

Anger was welling up within him. He made a move for a wand that he only too late realised didn't exist, instead pulling the fork from his pocket.

"Going to poke me to death, eh?" Black continued to taunt, a smug look on his face.

By now they'd caused enough of a scene to capture the attention of a few of the surrounding tables. There were only two adult staff members in the dining hall and neither of them were paying much attention to what was unfolding between the two teenagers near the exit.

Severus refused to give into the taunting with any sort of response, but he found himself frozen in place with rage. All he wanted to do was tackle Black right there and see if he could land a few solid punches to his smug face. He wouldn't have so many girls fawning over him with a broken nose, he wagered. Unfortunately, though he had a few inches on the other boy, Black had a more athletic frame. The only thing he'd have on his side was the element of surprise and once he'd lost that, he was sure to have a face that matched his hand.

"Not much food there, Snivvy. Got a dress you're trying to fit into?"

A few of the boys sitting at the table nearest them laughed. He looked over and was instantly mortified as he saw Potter and Lily walking towards them.

"Just leave me alone," Severus said finally, attempting to leave the dining hall once again.

Black grabbed his shoulder again, jerking him backwards. "You made a mess. Why don't you clean it up instead of just leaving it there for someone to slip on."

"Why don't you clean it up?" Severus sneered. "Afraid to get your dainty hands dirty?"

Black was clearly unused to others maligning him and his hand gripped tighter into Severus's bony shoulder.

"What's going on, Sirius?" Potter asked, a grin on his face.

"Snivellus was trying to get out of cleaning up this huge mess he made," Black replied, finally withdrawing his hand.

Severus ignored the both of them, instead looking to Lily. He thought he saw a flash of sympathy in those green eyes before it was replaced with disgust. He knew that look. He'd seen it before, years ago. Though after that last time, he never had a chance to see the look changed. Forsaken, his gaze fell to the floor, unwilling to look into those eyes any longer.

"Oi, git!" Potter said, snapping his fingers to get Severus's attention.

He looked up, though he could care less about the look of disgust in Potter's eyes. He was certain his own features mirrored this sentiment.

"I think you should leave," Potter said finally, looking back at Lily and giving her a slight nod.

Her slight, barely noticeable nod of agreement was like a knife plunged into his back. His shoulders dropped and he nearly lost his grip on the plate he was holding. Defeated, he turned and left the dining hall, not even bothering to respond to the insults that were hurled at him by Black.

He walked out into the courtyard, where a slight drizzle had begun to fall. He tossed his plate into the first bin he came across, having completely lost whatever meager appetite he might have had. The threat of pain wasn't even enough to persuade him to eat any longer. He'd deal with it. He didn't care. Nothing mattered anymore. He had hoped to never have to experience that look from Lily ever again in his life and yet here he was, reliving another man's memory, feeling the sting of rejection and revulsion all over again.

He was completely soaked by the time he arrived back in his room. Perhaps he'd catch a cold and he'd have to stay in the hospital wing for weeks, unable to be around the general populace of the school for fear of infection. Quarantine would be a welcome respite for him. Well, quarantine that wasn't self-imposed.

Back in the safety of his room, he looked around for his assignments. He wasn't sure what other classes he had today beyond the Lit class Lupin had mentioned and whatever class he had promised Malfoy a completed assignment for. Luckily he came across a folder that appeared to have quite a bit of work within it and hoped that this was what he needed. Inside he found two bound sets of papers that appeared to be on a similar topic. Neither were handwritten, but one had his name on it and the other had Lucius's.

He didn't like that this Severus's had chosen this alliance. He didn't like that he remained so spineless and unimaginative as to hope to have the boy's favor. And for what? What was his life if he owed it to Malfoy? Did the adult Severus potentially owe anything else beyond his education? Did he owe his house? His career? God, even Lily? He still didn't know what caused Potter to lose her in the future. Not that she was some prize to be won, but if any woman were given a choice between him and James Potter, he couldn't imagine any choosing him over good looks, charm, and wealth.

His mind raced with the possibilities laid before him. All conjecture of course. But he absolutely had to fear the worst knowing what he was capable of. This was atonement. It had to be. For past and future sins. In his world and in this one.

Severus lifted his mattress and pulled out the small black journal. He hoped there was something of use to him in there as he flipped through the pages. The tightly controlled writing mentioned Potter and Black many times, complaints of bullying abounding. Lily's name graced many of the pages as well, but he found that the expression of his feelings for her were just as tightly controlled as the small lettering that wrote them out. The great love of his life and he couldn't even offer her a tribute of written declaration. No wonder she would always fall for James Potter, the boy who expressed his emotions openly like a fool.

Flipping back further, he finally found something of interest. The first mention of Lucius Malfoy that he'd come across. It was very brief, but it spoke multitudes.

_Was able to talk with Lucius today. Mentioned Cambridge to him since his father's an MP and knows plenty of members of the university council. Lucius said his dad is also on good terms with the vice-chancellor. I need to do whatever I can to make sure I can count on Lucius. I can't make it on A-Levels alone._

He closed the journal. Nothing within it was dated. He wondered how long ago he'd written out this contract for his soul. Severus put the journal back under the mattress.

He felt a hand on his shoulder, a pulling sensation accompanying it. His eyes watered and he forced them closed.

"You all right, mate?" came the words, jumbled around him, echoing off unseen walls.

"Mate," came the voice, older and rougher now. "You all right?"

Severus opened his eyes. The light was dim, but he saw Lupin, his face aged, his hair less unkempt. They were standing in the hallway of the flat he knew he lived in now. Severus merely stared at him, unsure of when and where he was. He looked down at his hand, expecting to find the cast, but surprised when he saw the bare skin, unblemished by wounds.

"Whatever happened to Lucius Malfoy?" Severus whispered suddenly.

Lupin gave him an odd look and smirked. "Christ, you ask the oddest questions sometimes. Lucius Malfoy?"

Severus nodded.

"Probably the richest man in Britain these days. People love the drivel his news outlets put out, don't they?" Lupin responded, though there was disgust in his tone. "God, what an arse. Can't believe we went to school with him."

Severus sighed, somewhat relieved. If he was speaking about Malfoy in the past tense, there was likely no current affiliation with the man, let alone some unpaid debt or threat of blackmail hanging over him.

"That why you bolted?" Lupin asked, patting him on the shoulder reassuringly. "Certainly wasn't Lily's fish, because it's possibly the most amazing thing I've tasted since those pork chops you made that one time."

"I'm sorry, I'm out of sorts recently," Severus said finally.

Lupin looked concerned, that boyish face flashing across his features. "Everything all right? You'll be a fine professor, Sev. I'm sure of it. I wouldn't have recommended you if I didn't believe it."

So he had Lupin to thank for his job, but this was a debt that he didn't feel suffocated by. This was an old friendship. Not as old as the one between him and Lily and likely nowhere as deep and intricate, but it was a friendship based on trust instead of the shallow desire an allegiance with Malfoy would've have been forged in.

Severus had no desire to explain to the other man the actual cause of his odd behavior, so he merely went along with the academic-related behavior. Lupin gave him a reassuring smile and left him to head back to the dining area.

The darkened hallway allowed him to glance in at the table. Everyone was in good spirits, eating and drinking happily, talking freely, smiling. Potter had an arm around the woman he'd come with, but Severus couldn't remember the name Lily had called her previously. There was a reddish tint to her blond hair, her frame slight and her face rounded and girlish. She was their age, but she looked young. She was rather attractive and Severus had to wonder if this was the woman that lead to the dissolution of Potter and Lily.

How could she have done, though? Lily was the most beautiful woman in this or any room. He watched her pick up her wine glass, nodding at the woman next to Potter and smiling broadly. She took a sip, swallowed, then laughed as the woman finished her thought. It looked as though there was a very intense camaraderie there, and certainly more of a rapport there than Lily had with Tonks. It was the ease of friendship that came only after years.

Eager tugging on his trousers pulled his attention away from the table.

"Mr Snape," came the small voice.

Severus looked down at the boy, looking up at him eagerly. He was surprised to find himself looking not into the green eyes that he'd become so familiar with, but dark blue ones. Harry Potter. Who was this child in this world? Who was this child without Lily's passion within him?

He couldn't feel bad for this boy though. He may not have Lily as a mother, but what he lost in his world, he gained an apparently loving family in this one. Whatever James Potter's overall failings as a human being might have been, he couldn't imagine the man wasn't a loving father. If a man like Severus could help raise a daughter like Rosie, he was certain Harry experienced near the same affection. And if a child as intelligent and discerning as Rosie allowed herself to be smitten with a boy such as this Harry Potter, he must not be completely of his father's ilk. It didn't make it acceptable, of course.

"Mr Snape, me and Rosie made this for you," Harry said, handing him a piece of paper with scribbles all over it.

The boy ran off laughing and, in another room, Severus heard Rosie's laugh join the boy's.

"Another masterpiece for the fridge?" asked Lily, stepping into the hallway to join him.

Severus handed over the paper, unable to make much sense of the childish drawing. It might as well be hieroglyphics. Before she was able to really look over it, he wrapped his arms around her, his lips crashing against hers in quiet desperation.

When they parted, in the soft light he saw that she looked flushed but pleased. "I'm not entirely sure what's gotten into you lately, but I think I like it."

"Can we skip dessert and kick the lot of them out?" Severus pleaded.

Lily smirked, a fiendish look on her face. "Naughty boy."

She took his hand in hers, the hand that, mere minutes ago (yet ages ago), had been broken and aching. His fingers closed around hers and he welcomed the warmth they brought. He pulled her in for one more kiss, less urgent this time, his hand slipping back to rest on the small of her back.

She rubbed a hand against his back, kneading away some of the tension there.

"Ok," she said finally, pulling away from him. "Dessert, we kill the last bottle, then everyone has to go home immediately."


	8. Chapter 8

**a/n:** sorry for the delay on this one, there have been earthquakes and hurricanes and all matter of insanity in the past week and a half. I continue to appreciate your reviews and I hope you folks continue to like where this is going. As always, JK Rowling is the owner of the majority of the characters here, though even the ones I've invented rely on hers to give them any meaning.

Also, there is a brief mention of Roald Dahl's awesome book _The Witches_ which, again, I don't own.

Please continue to review, I love reading your thoughts on what's happening! Eventually I'll get around to actually replying to you folks, but for now know that I adore each and everyone one.

And I'm not sure if anyone is interested in this aspect of inspiration for some of the prose, but as the title alludes ("Somebody I Used to Know" is a fantastic song on Gotye's killer new album Making Mirrors) music is a big part of the creative process for me. This chapter was written with M83's new album _Hurry Up, We're Dreaming _playing in the background, which I can't recommend enough.

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><p>"Apparently he loves it there. He loves the people, the work he's been doing," Potter said animatedly. "Sirius has been very integral to building a better rapport with the people there. It's not easy work, but it's good work."<p>

Helena was sitting beside him, looking affectionately at her husband. "He's so modest about his role in all this."

Potter smirked and shook his head, as if he were actually embarrassed by whatever it was she was insinuating. Severus was shocked that he had actually heard the word 'modest' used sincerely in describing James Potter.

"When are you going back to Benin, do you reckon?" Lupin asked, looking to be concerned.

Potter sighed, then took a sip from his wine glass. He looked over at Helena, who had stopped smiling quite so broadly. "I had planned on early next year..."

Helena shook her head. "Might as well, James."

"Yeah?" He asked, hesitantly. She gave him an approving nod. "Well, in that case. We're expecting another child."

The entire table lit up in approval and Severus was trying hard to pretend as though he was happy for the two of them. Had it been nearly anyone else in the world, he was sure he could put on a convincing enough show even though an announcement of child expectancy wouldn't necessarily have elicited a reaction from him. But it was hard to be a well-wisher to someone who had brought so much misery into his life.

He felt Lily's hand on his thigh, rubbing it softly. He looked over at her, for once unable to read the look in those eyes. She was happy for her friends, that much was obvious. But something else pulled from behind, not allowing that happiness to burrow deeper than the shallows of those green pools.

Severus realised the expression after running through possible results. Longing. It was so unfamiliar to him reflected in her face. He'd seen it the few times he'd caught a glimpse of himself in a mirror. His own eyes that had hardened, but not quite completely, had always had that distant look of longing. He would have to ask her why she reacted to this announcement in such a way. Clearly there was something between this Lily and this Severus that caused her this grief and he had no desire to be the cause of any unhappiness within her. Whatever she needed of him, he would give her.

A flurry of activity had lit up around them as Severus and Lily remained in a world of their own. Severus was aware that Lupin had gone to give Potter an embrace, that Tonks and Helena were so happily chatting. Lily to her credit was smiling, but the edges never reached her eyes. He looked at her hand on his thigh and held it within his own, startled by how cold it was, momentarily concerned that she was slipping away from him. Or that he was slipping away from her.

And then it was gone from her face, whatever that longing had been, and she smiled. A true smile, deep and genuine. He leaned over and gave her a chaste peck on the mouth, glad to feel that smile held true against his lips.

He had a feeling that, though she appeared to be all right for now, she wasn't actually all right.

The news of the expectant Potters capped the evening off. They'd toasted on the last of the wine (it finally dawning on everyone why Helena's shocking abstinence had occurred that evening), to health, to future, to friendship, to family, to love. Lily had forced leftovers on everyone, insistent that everyone leave with at least one good meal to eat at their leisure.

Lupin and Tonks left first, the two being overly affectionate under the influence of several glasses of wine and demanding bone crushing hugs from the rest of the group before parting. Rosie did not, as Helena joked (to Severus's chagrin) have to be pried from Harry in order to allow the Potters to leave. Lily congratulated her friend again and gave James a warm hug. Severus, having no quarrels with Helena, allowed the quick familiar hug she offered as a farewell. Grudgingly, he shook Potter's hand, not caring if this Severus would have accepted a hug. He was in no mood for it.

Shutting the door behind the last of their guests, Severus looked at Lily and Rosie. Lily had knelt down to talk to their daughter, arguing with her softly.

"You can ask daddy, but he's going to agree with me," Lily said, looking up at Severus with a warning look that he better agree with her no matter what his actual opinion might be.

Rosie flung herself at him. "I just want to stay up later," she whined, looking up at him. He was still unused to seeing his own eyes looking back at him from such an innocently sweet face. In this scenario, he was entirely startled by his eyes being used as a weapon in an attempt to cajole him into letting his daughter stay up.

He picked her up, giving her a quick hug. "No, it's time for bed."

There was no more whining after that proclamation and she squirmed to be let down. He obliged and she ran up the stairs without a second word.

"Such a daddy's girl," Lily smirked, shaking her head. "But I do appreciate that you didn't make me the bad guy for once."

"Lily-" Severus began. She had been joking, smiling after he sent Rosie up to bed, but he needed to know why she'd reacted to the Potter's announcement in such an odd way earlier. He hated to break the mood, but figured it best to not ignore issues they had. "About earlier..."

"Sev, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to," she replied quickly, looking away from him. "And god, what a terrible venue for it. I'm not sure if Helena noticed, but if she did she's going to be bothering me for weeks."

Whatever it was that was unspoken between them now, there was a reason for it.

"I don't care what I might've said about anything in the past. I've disappointed you so much already in my life...please let me know what it is now," he said softly, taking a few tentative steps towards her to close the distance between them.

She looked up at him, uncertain. "The last two days you've been different, Sev. You were back for a bit during dinner, but then when you left to go to the loo...it's like a light is being switched on and off."

He couldn't tell her. Not yet. Not when his grip on this world remained so tenuous. "I'm not feeling well...but that isn't the point. After Helena and Potter...what's wrong, love?"

"I thought this wasn't a discussion we were allowed to have for...what was it? At least three to five years?"

He shook his head. "We can have it right now."

"You know I've always wanted more kids, Sev," Lily admitted finally, again looking away from him. "And I know that you weren't even keen on having the one initially."

What an arse this Severus was. He hadn't wanted children? He hadn't wanted the daughter with Lily's hair and his eyes? What an imbecile. A complete fool.

He finally stepped closer to her so he was mere inches away. He could smell the faint traces of spice from her earlier cooking, the savory and the citrus. He ran a hand through her hair and he rested the other on her hip. Pulling her in closer, he kissed her softly before looking at her directly so she knew he was being serious about the situation.

"I won't often admit that I'm in the wrong-" he began as Lily snorted a laugh in response, "but I'm wrong. About this, at the very least. Possibly about a lot of things, but this is the only one at the moment that I know I'm absolutely in the wrong about."

He had expected this to garner an approving smile in response, but Lily merely frowned. "I don't want you to do it for me this time. I know you love Rosie, but if we have another child, it has to be because it's something you want and it has to be because you have the ability within you to love it. I will never let a child of mine be unloved or unwanted as long as I'm alive."

Severus understood this man's reticence to have children now. He understood that the feeling came not because of foolishness, but because of fear. Loving Lily was the only real love he'd ever been capable of. Who was he to say that he wouldn't be like his own father? He knew his nature was one of anger and maliciousness. He knew what he was atrocities he was capable of as a man. Love was not easy for him and to spread what little he had around may not be enough to keep his family.

Finally, he looked away, because he knew she'd be able to see his fear. If there was an emotion trapped within him, no matter how far beneath the surface, he had no doubt she'd be able to recognise it.

She stood on her tiptoes to give him a quick kiss on the cheek, then went upstairs. He turned off the lights in the hallway, kitchen, and dining room, and went upstairs.

Rosie's light was off, but the door was slightly ajar. Walking quietly, he pushed open the door and sat on the edge of her bed.

"Mummy said you might read me some more of our story?" he heard her whisper hopefully as she rustled around in her bed, shifting towards him. Severus could only barely make out her face from the dim light of a nightlight, but her eyes were shining beacons of eagerness.

"Did she?" he asked, looking around for a light. So many things about muggle life were inconvenient.

Rosie rolled over and flipped a switch on a small light on her bedside table. It wasn't overly bright, but it would do. There was a book on the table as well, which she handed him. He looked down at her and smirked, impressed by how clever she was. She'd expertly trapped him here. He noticed the cat was curled up at the end of the bed, though her ears were pointed in their direction, clearly offended by the light and the noise.

"All right, but only one chapter," he replied, leaning against the headboard and allowing her to nestle in beside him.

He looked at the book she'd given him. _The Witches_ by Roald Dahl. How apropos. Severus wondered if it had been him or Lily that had purchased this book, though he figured this Severus was not keen on whimsy. He flipped the book open to the page that had been marked and began to read. "'_All the women, or rather the witches_...'"

The chapter was about a group of ugly witches who hated children and used their magic to exterminate them. The head witch was particularly awful and ugly, shooting magic out of her eyes to burn another witch alive for daring to speak out against her. Green light flashed in the corners of memories that fought to climb to the surface, the lifeless eyes of other witches and wizards, of innocent muggles who had been unfortunate enough to cross the Dark Lord's path.

"Can witches really smell kids?" Rosie asked as Severus closed the book, having finished the chapter.

"Witches and wizards are just like you and me, Rosie. They can be good or bad, but they're just like you and me," he replied, wrapping an arm around her. This child in his arms, this was magic.

"Can I be a witch when I grow up?" she asked, looking up at him earnestly.

He looked down at her, running his hand through her soft hair. She would never get an owl on her 11th birthday. She'd never get to go to Diagon Alley for her school supplies or run at Platform 9 ¾ to catch the train to Hogwarts. She'd never be sorted into a house or see a game of Quidditch.

"Yes," he said finally.

He knew she was too clever to be fooled by the lie, but perhaps in her dreams she'd be a witch and she'd cast spells in a great castle. He leaned forward to give her a kiss on the top of her head, then got up from the bed.

"Goodnight Rosie," he said, flipping the light switch and leaving his daughter's room.

He entered his bedroom and found Lily in the bathroom, brushing her teeth. There were some things about being a muggle that he remembered from early on in his childhood. His father had never allowed his mother to perform magic in the house, so everything from washing up to brushing teeth and hair was done without the aid of magic. The thought of going back to this way of doing things was so foreign to him. Like reopening old wounds.

Once, as a very small boy, his father had for some reason been tasked with giving him a bath. Or perhaps, given the circumstances of the memory, it wasn't actually a bath but more of a punishment. He remembered the sting of the cold water, how the harsh smell of the soap bit at his nostrils. His father's rough hands as they scrubbed his skin mercilessly, causing it to become red and raw. How the fingers pulled at the once fine black hair of his head. And finally, being submerged, forced down into that cold grey water, wondering if those hands would keep him down until there was no breath left in him.

That man's cursed blood ran through him. Like lycanthropy, but without the ability to distinguish man from beast.

He removed his shirt and trousers and put them in the wicker basket that held a heap of clothes.

"I think it's your turn to do laundry," Lily chastised, rubbing a lotion onto her face as she walked into the room. She was wearing only a thin cotton tank top and knickers and she couldn't have looked more beautiful to him.

She sat on the bed, rubbing more of the lotion on her legs. "Rosie convinced you to read to her, I take it?"

Severus nodded and joined her on the bed. He looked over at the large book on the table beside him, then back at Lily.

"If you've got work, by all means," she said, rubbing the last bit of lotion onto her arms and closing the pot, setting it on the table beside her.

"Can we just...talk?" Severus asked, looking at her, stunned by how the soft light of the room brought out the brilliant reds and golds of her hair and the emerald of her eyes. How lucky he was, if he had nothing else, if his heart were to stop right then, to have even just this moment in front of her.

"Sure, darling," she replied, pulling back the covers and getting underneath them. She turned off the light beside her. "What do you want to talk about?"

He followed her actions, flipping off the light beside him and getting under the covers, pulling her against him in the darkness. "I don't care," he whispered. "Nothing. Anything you want to talk about."

"Is this about what we discussed earlier?" she asked, sighing against his chest. "Why the sudden change of heart?"

It was idiotic to tell her. Confidences shared in the dark didn't make them secrets. He would have to tell her eventually that he was not the Severus she knew and loved. But he couldn't yet. Not when he was being pulled into this man's past bit by bit, unraveling the mysteries of this life. She had said he'd gone back to normal for a brief time during dinner, that it was like he was being switched on and off. But perhaps it wasn't the case of two entities in one vessel that were separated from each other. Perhaps there was a struggle to reach homeostasis and being pulled into the events of the past were a way to merge the two halves. As a teenager mere hours (years?) ago he'd felt a barrier come down and access to a greater well of emotion than he'd ever experienced in his former life. This was either a dam that was about to burst and he'd be overcome with a flood of memories or it was a slow trickle that would fill in the details of this life slowly.

"I can't explain it, Lily," Sev said. "I don't understand it myself, but I'm trying to."

He felt her hand trail along his side, moving to his back and rubbing warm, comforting circles, easing the tension that had built up there. She drew even nearer, until her face was next to his, her breath warming his lips. Her lips met his, gently touching at first, but as her hand trailed up to rest at the base of his skull, her kiss became deeper. Her tongue teased open his lips and he tasted the mint of her toothpaste. He rolled over on top of her, opening his eyes to look at her in the faint streetlight that wasn't entirely blocked out by the window blinds.

"I love you, Lily," he breathed out, as if it were the natural way air escaped his lungs. The sentiment on every exhale of spent oxygen.

"I love you too, Severus," she replied, her hands wrapping around his neck and pulling him down. They both needed each other in this moment and their kisses became deeper, more urgent. He pulled her tank top off, taking in the creamy white of her skin, the faint outline of her ribcage, the swell of her breasts. So many years he'd imagined this very moment, what it would be like. Even below him, she was the dominant one, clearly in control and looking as eager as he himself felt.

"I've missed this," she said suddenly, her face immediately looking as though she regretted the admission.

"I'm sorry," he murmured, apologizing for this other man, but also for himself. For everything he'd ever done to wrong her, in his world, in this one, in any and all of them. In the past and in the future. He sealed his vow with his lips, though if she demanded it, he would offer his entire being.

He kissed her collar bone, traveling lower, leaving a trail of kisses as he reached her navel and the soft skin of her abdomen. She pulled him back up, her lips hungrily crashing against his. Her fingers entwined in his hair as the other hand slid down his back, pulling him against her so he was pinning her down with his full weight. With great skill she managed to pull off both of their pants in mere seconds, until nothing was between them anymore and they both lay there naked.

Severus pulled away from her, looking at her nude form below him in that dim light. If he were an artist he would paint her body, if he were a poet, he'd write odes to the loveliness of her curves. He was neither of these things, so all he had to offer at the alter of her beauty was himself. It was a sacrifice he was eager to make.

When they eventually parted, skin damp, their breathing quick and shallow, he rolled onto his back and stared at the blankness of the ceiling. Years he had been waiting for this. No other body that had ever entered his bed would ever compare. They had all been desperate, hollow substitutions and he had been driven into their arms by grief, disgust, and loathing.

For ages, since he was a teenager, he had fantasized about this. About what it would feel like to be this intimate with his best friend. To give her the physical manifestation of his all-consuming love for her. None of those fantasies, no matter how intense, even came close to a fraction of the pleasure of this experience.

He rolled over onto his side and brushed some damp hair out of his face, laying an arm across her stomach. She curled into the embrace, her breathing evening out until it finally deepened and he knew she had fallen asleep. Severus closed his eyes and inhaled, allowing himself to drift off as well. Before finally succumbing, a smile spread slowly across his face. A real smile.

He was happy.


End file.
